Friendship over the years

Kiswahili has a colloquial saying, ukiachwa, achika, which loosely translates into, if someone breaks up with you or leaves you, leave. Don’t fight or push, just go. But with friendship, I have found that it’s not so easy. Or at least in my case, it has not been that easy. I have been trying to put this reflective piece into words for so long and I am not any closer to a conclusion either way.

Our twenties are an interesting period friendship wise. I remember how much time I could devote to friends. Hanging out, doing nothing and everything in between: sleep overs, talking, catching up, running errands, just all that had to do with life. So many memories from this time have various friends as they were integral to that young adult phase of life. Then in your mid-twenties between work schedules of differing intensities, meeting a partner, settling down or starting your family, somehow you whittle down from that friend gang to a core group that become like a second skin, with whom you continue to make memories, you attend each other’s weddings, meet their kids, and love these little people like your own. A chosen family for all intents and purposes.

Less spoken of though are the friendship break ups. These are few and far between, deep and just as isolating. Sometimes they happen after a conversation, other times, they involve being ghosted. In some cases, an individual can ghost a whole group, in others, they pick and chose who to ghost.

Both types of ghosting have happened to me.

Once, 15 years ago, a dear friend ghosted our entire friend group and overnight we never spoke for over a decade. We eventually made up. Enough time had gone by, and we were thankfully not the same people and had so much more in common so on both sides, there was interest to pick up and catch up. We spoke about this incident and there was a misunderstanding that we could happily talk through and continue a friendship that now involves our children playing together.

Recently, I alone was ghosted and it’s a weird place to be in. I like what this NYT article talks about that you should try and name the feeling you have, realise that friendships end and that there is no shame in whatever you are feeling. Friendships end and often for reasons beyond your control.

From the entire story this paragraph particularly stood out for me:

“Anything that helps you express emotion will ease grief,” Dr. Franco said. That might include journaling, crying or talking to friends who won’t minimize your feelings. Try to validate your suffering in a compassionate way, she urged, by acknowledging that your feelings connect you to others who have struggled with similar issues — an idea called “common humanity.” (I, for one, have found it cathartic to write this story and realize I’m not the only one who has been through an experience like this.)

If the shoe is now on the other foot, have I ever ghosted a friend? I doubt it, I have had fall outs with friends, addressed it head on and explained why we cannot be friends and left it at that. Even just typing that made me feel like a tough old nut but I prefer to be direct in love and demonstrating grace. So actually no, I don’t think I have.

Friendships end and I suppose that’s a fact of life.

Edited to add: The comments on the NYT piece are a whole education on their own. People have such intense feelings and useful tips on how to move forward.

Showing up for child-free friends

A couple weeks ago this article was doing the rounds talking about the friendship divide as people start to have children. Of course it was told from the perspective of female friendship which is something near and dear to my heart. This particular paragraph captured the essence of the story so poignantly.

It’s not that she doesn’t love her friends or that they don’t love her. It’s not that she doesn’t miss them, or want to spend time with them, or want them in her life, and vice versa. It’s just that “it has changed everything,” she says of her friends becoming parents, in the same deadpan tone as a sitcom character breaking the fourth wall after a record scratch. “More than marriage, more than a new job, more than moving across the country, I think there is nothing that represents more of a challenge or a threat to adult friendships than parenthood. It is the only thing that is permanent and time-bound. It has fundamentally shifted my relationships.”

It is true, children change everything. The caveat I would hasten to add is for a time. But of course I know this being a parent. Perhaps on the other side, it would have felt endless and entirely too child focused and actually plain boring. How many times can you exclaim ” thats so wonderful” ” amazing”.

Two thoughts from either side of the argument.

To be honest, this was not an issue that my closest friends and I really had because over a space of six years, five of us have had 11 children and in quick succession. So we have anything from older-school going kids to children being weaned. Of course all of us are working moms which has given us an appreciation of our time and energy constraints. We have been able to negotiate time for us to hang out with and sans kids with no hard feelings but it certainly helps that for the most part we have help that can facilitate this. With fewer kids we managed weekends away but as the size and age (read complexity) has grown, this has been harder to plan. Perhaps when the kids are all a bit older. All this to say, it takes a lot of conversation and a core group of Mummy friends who will understand that a meeting time can change because the nap ran long, or a child is going through a growth spurt and woke up multiple times the night before. Sometimes it looks like bring your kiddos over because you are tired and the nanny is day off. It takes a lot of communication and flexibility.

The article made me think of my childfree friends and what it looks like to support them. When you get married and/or have kids, you get so much support from an engagement party, a bridal shower, a baby shower, a sip and see …. BUT what do childfree people have? That is unique to them. It hit me that this would be a perfect starting point to figure out what are those big moments for them. Planning to climb Mount Kilimanjaro? I will throw you a party when you get back. Finally bought that house or hit that saving target, lets throw you a surprise party with all the planning, energy and intensity that goes into all the showers Moms get. Be intentional and present for their big things and to the extent you can hang kid free, do it.

A Book on Female Friendship

Here is the blurb:

Now two friends, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, tell the story of their equally messy and life-affirming Big Friendship in this honest and hilarious book that chronicles their first decade in one another’s lives. As the hosts of the hit podcast Call Your Girlfriend, they’ve become known for frank and intimate conversations. In this book, they bring that energy to their own friendship—its joys and its pitfalls.

An inspiring and entertaining testament to the power of society’s most underappreciated relationship, Big Friendship will invite you to think about how your own bonds are formed, challenged, and preserved. It is a call to value your friendships in all of their complexity. Actively choose them. And, sometimes, fight for them. (less)

I read this book in August and it was amazing so get it. But I don’t want to do a review as much as talk about the one thing it made me think of.

The authors talk about a challenging period in their frendship where they were not getting on and they went for therapy together. Either in the book or in the many podcasts promoting their book I listened to they ask how people resolve conflict in a friendship and the process to get a “friend” therapist a specific type of therapist different from most other relationships.

This made me think of a troubled friendship last year that just fizzled out. We had a misunderstanding – not the first we had in the years of friendship but I suppose we are both moms of little ones now and pressed for time and sleep which probably accelerated it all. And then since then we have just ghosted each other. So this is what the book made me think of:

1. After all the many fights over the years, why was this the one that finally led to the estragement?
2. Over the years, were there many “missed” moments where we didn’t see the other and that escalated over time?
3. Could we ever move past this and if not, what would it look like to formally dissolve the friendship (especially where we have so many friends in common)?

Having thought that, I think the impasse is a resolution because in the past when I have cared, I have formally spoken about it with a friend so this is an answer of sorts.

How do you resolve conflict in you friendships?

Sunday Reads

• How to get kids to read more.
• Miscarriages are never easy to talk about.
• Traveling with kids and toddlers 
• Imagine being married for 64 years and then getting sweet anniversary shots.
• This TEDTalk made me realise I need to let go of a certain friendship

 

Recipes

• How to make Ice cream, yum
• Some more ice cream recipes
• Lemony Artichoke and Quinoa Salad
• Blueberry Ginger Sorbet

Sunday Reads

• I have been thinking of asking my female (mama) pals to a slumber party and stuff, it would make me so happy.
• Helping kids develop critical thinking skills.
• Parenting Podcasts For Parents Without Any Free Time
• Getting rid of clutter 🙂
• … and maintaining things that way.

Recipes

• Pasta Recipes

 

Books on Letters between Friends

About So Long a Letter

About Dear Ijeawele

In March and April I read these two letters between female friends. Both of them touch of womanhood and issues of feminism which although books are written almost four decades apart, are still so relevant and applicable to the plight of women. All in all, they are both great books so I will talk about the common themes that struck a note with me.

1. Maintain your identity that is separate from your role as a mother, a wife, a sister-in-law. Maintain that single identity and I would even venture to say, keep pursuing those interests you have and love to do.
2. Make your partner a full partner. From Dear Ijeawele, this is quite obvious and self-explanatory. From So Long …. it’s not quite obvious but I like Aissatou (the friend)’s response when her husband married a second wife, she held him immediately accountable and  left the marriage. Many called her names and wished something else of her but she held him accountable and did what she had to do.
3. Both authors talk about centering marriage in the right place as a nice to have/do but not the penultimate accomplishment. Marriage is neither good nor bad, but how we aspire to it could be.
4. Both writers caution each other against assigning certain roles to male or female children and the assumptions we make or impute. The future is not one where boys (girls) can do certain things that girls (boys) cannot. Also the language that we use when we explain the roles and responsibilities to kids also matters a lot.

The entire letter is an ode to female friendship which I totally loved and would therefore recommend both books. You can easily get through both in a single sitting or weekend.

How I want to make Adult Friends

Photo by nappy on Pexels.com

I have a friend who is a maverick at making friends. One on one, she seems incredibly shy but I love her attitude to making friends and how deliberate she is about it all. So when I think to myself that I would like to make friends, I always think of some kind of organised activity that brings people together on the regular.

When I think of this though I always wonder how I would go about starting one because it involves putting myself out there in some way or another which is not exactly my thing. But, if / when I get over this hurdle, these are some things I would like to do:

• Listen to a key podcast each month and then meet and discuss
• Start an article club – pick a Longread article and then chat about it
• Pick a cuisine and then assign various parts of the meal (starter, protein, desserts, salad) to different people and thus have a supper club or a cookbook club if you are fancier.
• Good old Book club
• Board games with a group of friends, I really have mine eye on this one.
• A cheese/ wine tasting club.

Do you live in Joburg, would you be keen to do any of this with me and meet some new people?

What’s making you happy now?

1. A great cup of tea – my sister recently got me some passion and lime tea from Kenya and it is YUM!
2. Long lazy weekends.
3. Discovering a lovely little restaurant and liking it.
4. Church services at 12 O’clock in the Fall/ Winter months.
5. One-on-one heartfelt chats with friends.

What about you?

Gifts for New Moms

As friends of mine are in that phase of having babies, I enjoyed this post and felt inspired to copy a list of things I would take with me when I next go to visit as in that moment you are often at a loss of what is appropriate.

1. Time – to listen, help out with her errands, carry baby, fold laundry or cook. Just time.
2. Easy to warm and eat with one hand food. Also drinks.
3. What food did she miss during pregnancy that she can now eat? Stock up on that!!
4. A cozy gown as the new mom will be nursing or up in the cold of the day or night.
5. Comfy chill at home shoes/ other clothes.
6. Hand cream/ hand sanitiser because new baby = washing hands often.
7. A beautiful mug or water bottle as she might be drinking a whole lot more if she is breastfeeding.

When you had a baby, what would you have loved OR what great gift do you get new moms?

Sunday Reads

“To all the little girls out there,
we will set fire to this world
that steals your childhoods
and stops you from being
everything you want to be,
and build you a better one from the ashes,
the kind of world that treasures you
for all your powerful capabilities.”

– Nikita Gill, Women’s March 2018

• Improving your productivity when you work from home.
• Books on female friendship – I immediately got Sula, Toni Morrison.
• What some people will do to get married to the person of their choice.
• Helping your children to read the Bible.
• I would like a friend that keeps me accountable.
• I have been having Presidential Dinners.
• Tough circumstances but very important lessons for Christians in the Marketplace.
• Chimamanda on motherhood.
• I love me some “This is Us“

Recipes

• Wanna try this butternut, beans and enchiladas
• I think I am on a Mexican tip
• Another yummy mushroom recipe
• Healthy vegetarian recipes.
• 20-minute vegetarian curry.
• If you like to make burgers at home.

On Kindness

Source

 

I Got You Friend

I miss my gal pals the most when I see stuff like this that we could do together .

I particularly think of the things that I have missed out on with my better female friends: baby showers, bridal showers, high tea, being able to do random things together, road trips, dinners, first homes, come meet my new guy, the new baby, watch a new show together and laugh about it – just a lot of stuff. Yes, IRL I have friends and people I do this but it’s also different.

From the blog post:

I particularly love #2,6, 9 and have done #3 – adult baking dates are awesome – 10, 13.

The comments as usual provides such gems and so here is my to do with a friend list.

• Volunteer together at a cause that’s meaningful to either or both of us.
• More concerts – I watched John Legend with a pal and her cool mom and it was awesome!
• Coworking sessions. Yes to these.
• Sit together and read dates.
• Sleepovers with no husbands or kids.
• Pottery / learn something class.
• Try and commit to an exercise class together.
• Talk about podcast episodes we both love. Tried to get so many pals into this that I am glad I can do it with my sister and partly with The Mr.
• Watch TV shows together and make comments in between, ideally together or even if separately, concurrently.
• Same day road trips and do stuff along the way or at the destination.
• Supper club where each person brings one.

In fact, I decided to have a little snacks and games afternoon at my place next month! Done!!

A Thought for this Monday Morning

⁸ The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Source)

Psalms 103: 12  reminds us that God forgives fully and removes our sins from us as far as the East is from the West. This truth came up recently when I  met a friend to discuss the bible studies that we had both done separately over the BSF break, her Hebrews and me, James.

A theme that separately came up for each of us is belief and how it is also possible for us as believers not to take God at His word and put in caveats that are not there OR that limit our overall ability to enjoy the time spent with Him. And this way, practice unbelief. In my specific case, this came through in the area of prayers. For others in my life, I am able to pray big prayers and believe on their behalf that God is who He says He is and that He can do what He said He will but somehow somehow in my case my faith is muted and I doubt that He will do what He said He can. So my pal rightly asked me: “what’s that about?” And in that moment, I was reminded of the verse that exhorts fathers not to provoke their children to anger by how they treat them (Ephesians 6: 4 NLT).

We often approach God based on our earthly experiences rather than step out of those and experience Him as the eternal Father who loves perfectly. Who has been perfectly revealed through His son Jesus Christ (Heb 1:3) and His living word (the Bible).

This contrasts with the devil who speaks from both sides of his mouth. On the one hand he is the father of all lies (John 8:44) and in the other, the accuser of brethren (Revelation 12:10). However, we also know that Jesus has fully overcome the world on our behalf and though we will have trouble we should take heart and have peace (John 16:33). This means that I can overcome this burden of shame and this fear of intimacy with Christ due to past sin by entrusting my all to Him and believing fully in Him. Additionally, I know that Revelation 12:11 talks of overcoming the accuser through the words of our testimony. By what we declare and what we state can we be renewed and overcome his lies about us, God’s children.

Questions to Ponder

1. In what ways do you struggle to take God fully at His word?
2. What are some of your personal life experiences that hinder the development of a childlike faith in God the Father?
3. How will knowing this truth of Christ now impact how you approach Him in faith?

Prayer

Lord we thank you that you are eternal yet unchanging, that your word is true and that you can swear by none but yourself which further encourages our faith in you. Forgive me where I have doubted your word in how I have acted, thought or spoken. Help me always to trust in you ( in the following specific areas of my life ) and believe even when my old self wants to doubt. Teach me how to hold onto my faith unswerving and this way to bring glory and honour to you. I thank you that you are a good Father who gives good gifts to His children and who forgives us fully and does not hold our past sins against us.

Sunday Reads

• We live in times that are not friendly to Black women.
• So many fantastic ideas for African focused and produced podcasts. Just yes already!!
• African history is fascinating and powerful.
• Occasionally Joburg has some interesting events.
• And Cape Town’s history and racial inequality can drain you for days.
• This exhibition in Nairobi sounds like it was so exciting.
• I wanna be friends with this mama.
• I love how this article talks of the changes to female friendship as their own roles diversify.
• And this sensitive and practical response to that.
• Practical ways to teach your children the Bible.
• Life is all about perspective.
• Are you Ok being alone or does solitude scare you?

 

Dear Future Daughter

I generally hate letters written to future whatevers but today being Women’s Day in South Africa and because I just watched an advert of ladies giving advice to a younger self, I thought I would give it a try.

1. Stand tall and work on fostering positive self (body) image. There is so much advise to women today about how they ought to look/ weigh/ what they need to do and this piles on the pressure. Filter out all of these and work with your body type, your likes and bring out the best in yourself.
2. Work hard at school. Push yourself  extremely hard and do not dim your light so any guy around you can feel better about himself. Keep learning and challenging yourself to greater and better heights.
3. Surround yourself with female friends that push you to your best and that you can do life with. Female  friends rock! FACT. We are not all in competition with each other (female) and do not all like to gossip and bring down a fellow sister. Work on being a good  friend.
4. What makes you tick and brings out your inner feminine self? Don’t worry it varies from one lady to the next, find what works for you and foster that. If you wanna be like mummy, I love to read and to get my hair done.
5. Work on your relationship with God. That’s the most important  and constant relationship you will ever have.

Overall, be confident. There is nothing as attractive as a woman who is confident in her skin and who draws out the best in the different people she encounters in her day to day life.

All the best!!

Every woman needs a friend …

• Who lifts them when they are down.

• Who can lovingly reproach and correct you when needs be.

• Who challenges you to be more than you are or do better.

• That you can call up on short notice and they will take your call or make the time.

• With whom you can dream up big ideas.

• You trust fully.

• Who accepts and loves you as you are …

Is goodbye possible if you have their number crammed?

When we first started dating, the Mr had this theory about how girls shed friends in their 20s. Shed. His word, not mine. And always, I would scoff at him and state how I am too loyal a friend to ever lose a friendship. See, I know of myself that I am a particularly loyal friend. Loyal to the point of abuse or pain.

As a result, I am fairly ready to make amends and walk a mile in someone else’s shoe, try and be there for them, and basically to be the type of pal that I would want to have and the type of friend that they also talk of wanting in their life. As a result, I often struggle with when to let go of a difficult/ trying/ unfulfilling relationship. To be honest, I always start with never, you can try a bit more, come on, give it another go.

However, I currently find myself  pondering over this issue with a friend that I have known for over 10 years. In truth, the struggle was to allow myself to walk away and I am now at that place.

The best part of this friendship has always been the fact that we are two peas in a pod, kindred spirits in a sense. She and I have the same outlook in life. She has that gentleness in her that I know I can trust and that she will never take advantage of me. Which I totally loved and will always cherish about her. Having said that there has always been this doubt of my motives, what I say or don’t say and this has been the undertone of our entire friendship and led to many instances of not talking to each other or a lot of misunderstandings/conflict. This has been tiring and taken an overall toll on the friendship particularly now that we live in different cities and often rely on texts and emails that often don’t generally convey true meaning.

Another element of a great friendship is that as both parties get older, there is natural room for both parties to grow, experiment and come to terms with themselves in the new phase and both parties have to allow for this to naturally play itself out. Friendship cannot be rigid or imposing or it naturally dies away. As we have gotten older, I have also struggled to embrace all her choices and some of the decisions she has made have made me quite uncomfortable and I am struggling to be the friend she needs in this phase of her life.

More than that however is the fact that our friendship is steeped in the past. We are not generating new memories, we are hanging onto old memories but none of us is invested in going forward. In fact, if we did not have friends in common, we wouldn’t really know what the other was doing or what they were up to. I honestly think ten years has been great but we truly don’t need each other that much any way and so although painful, its probably the right thing to do.

Sunday reads

1. Being professional means working with whatever tools you have access to.
2. Working out as a believer.
3. Our response to a couple that only wants one kid!
4. Advice to young jobseekers on how to present your CV.
5. The church in Ethiopia.
6. 13 Rules for female friendship.
7. Bullet journals seem so FUN.
8. Travelling while Muslim.
9. The cost of being a woman and doing fieldwork

Recent Pins I have loved

Love her glasses

Source Unknown

Love the pop of colour.

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I love the lighting fixtures

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Her make up is flawless!

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Just the imagery of this ..

 

 

Friendships can be tough sometimes

Source

Since leaving home, I have had two kinds of friendships. Those that require little maintenance and those that we have to continuously work on to maintain.

And that’s been fine.

For the most part.

However, something I struggle with is when to let go of a friendship. I find that I become consumed by the memories and the fact that we have experienced so much together and that it would be such a pity to let x be the reason that we part ways. When do you just leave and let be?