Tag Archives: change

20. And now for an announcement

Seems like October is the month when I announce or detail changes in my personal life and this year is no different!

The Mr and I are headed to Cape Town and while a part of me feels meh! about it, I am also looking forward to it because I feel it will be a lovely time for us in this phase of our life. So packing, moving and getting used to a new city!!

30 today

Happy Birthday Zim….

Odd how we really love to celebrate birthdays but for some reason this one ought to fill us with dread and shame, especially knowing the state of shambles that this nation is in at the moment. Thirty years on and we still have talk of veterans, not just any old veterans as we would ‘normally’ expect but Twenty-something year olds wielding such power and brutality that it is surely a sight to behold. So should we sing and shout for joy? At what, a country that easily has 50% of its population dispersed within the diaspora. A nation of previously proud folk with such high literacy rates now forced to do menial jobs, the bread basket of Southern Africa now forced to sleep on the streets. All this while their head of state celebrates his eightieth birthday with such pomp and glamour.

As an African and a Christian, I just have to wonder whether this is our lot. Is this what God made us for? Is this the role that we are to play. On a sick side, almost like we are here as a cosmic joke BUT even as I say that, I know this not to be. The Earth is the Lords, and everything that is in it, the world and all who are in it, which really does include me, you and all the people in Africa (and the world). So why? Why is this the story of our history and why do we continue to make it our future too? Its too easy to blame colonialism and the state of our democracy or the economy but it also starts with each of us and the conversations we have in our homes and with our beloved. That is where the changes begin and with the types of talks we have and with the level of exposure that we subject our children to. And I am reminded of my five year old nephew, who doesn’t know colour at this level but slowly because of the conversations that we have around the house and with the kinds of positions that my sisters and I take, we might slowly inform his decisions and opinions. How else do we explain children in their formative years taking pictures of ET at his funeral and claiming him as their hero? These are children who are watching cartoons NOT such individuals.

So rather than just wallow in self-pity, which is easier to do, I reckon, we are better off doing the harder thing and just making that small difference and then hope that it will stir others into action too:-)

changes all around

soon my life shall be free as these balloons

Its coming to three years since I started blogging;  two years and a little since I made it about coming out to Joburg and studying for my Masters in Economics.  Here I have written about my first tutorial, my anxiety about the course and the work load and all that, making new friends and letting go of old ones back at home. And now, I am literally straddling this place and from Monday, work.  I start doing the big girls’  thing and once go back to work, aftera  two year hiatus. Can’t wait in terms of this is what I always wanted to do with my life but its also gonna be a new thing that I have to get used to: to having someone telling me what to do and who owns  my time, not on, I really can’t wait though. So here is to a new me and the beginning of the next phase 🙂

sigh, sigh....

 

Can’t wait to be done with this paper, really can’t.

a new decade

I officially turn 25 in a couple of weeks and I cant wait. I declared to myself last year that the years 24 to 27 will be my ultimate best years for living and that I was gonna enjoy every single one of them and so far, so good. My sister and her nephew will be moving to town so it will be more of us over the next few years and thats so lovely.

As the title goes, its a new decade of the new Millenium, I am one person who takes advantage of the new year to make goals and if you would, resolutions and I had thought of a couple but I shall post about that later….Happy New year world:-)

day ONE

It seems that May is the month that I decide to do new things!  Five years ago I stopped eating red meat this month and this last Sunday I went and cut off my hair and dyed it copper red and just for kicks had them do a shaggy thing or other! I can’t remember the last time I had short hair but  it is very liberating and a key step to the new me…. Sometimes as an individual we(I) wish to make certain changes in our personal lives but so many things tend to hold us back and though we are miserable, we keep hearing what they  are saying rather than the quiet little voice within us. And for me, this is the ultimate whenever I hear of the life unlived!! Which leads me to wonder, what would I do if I didn’t have to seek the approval of anyone else and all that counted was my God and I?

Monday was Africa Day and just the weekend before that I caught myself wondering what it means for us 20-somethings to be African in this day and age? What does it mean for us as women? In addition to everything else that my parents have given me over the years, the thing that I am most grateful to them about is the fact that we were brought up in another nation and totally surrounded within the peoples culture which has given me a greater appreciation of what home is and what it means to live amidst “strange” friends and acquaintances! So enjoy being African, I mean what else would we want???

no one on the corner…..

For some reason im feeling quite pensive and I guess I know that the year is over and so does my head and my body and to some extent my heart (OK, I didnt intend for that to quite sound like wedding vows) . This trip back home while totally looked forward to has opened my eyes to so many thing that I never thought I would have the strength to endure or the will to come out of and well, I’m just floored. I just came from my usual Facebook stalk session and I came across this piece about saying good bye and walking away from thing that in the greater scheme, aren’t helping.  A friend recently asked a couple of us to name five things we like about ourselves and though my response was totally crapalicious, I remember thinking that the thing I love about myself is the ability to make clean cuts with people and things that have long out run their sell by date- whats happening to me now? I’m insisting on carrying forward things that are weighing me down and changing my disposition and the question is why am I allowing this to happen to me? Huh? Am I losing my swagger or what?

we’re at the crossroads…

i feel like you penetrated the cracks  and made us all pawns in your little sick game. i dont just feel like that as much as i can now see that was your game plan all along. you had the best thing but even then, it wasnt good enough for you and systematically you went out and managed to isolate and thus conquer all so you could be happy. was it worth it as Ms Cole asks? how do you feel now? you do have the last word and the last say and the scary thing for me is that i thought we all knew you, i thought we had some understanding of sorts but obviously not. How does one get to this point in life? is it intrinsic evil or is is utter selfishness? i will never understand this, surely……i won’t

why am i awake now?

what do you do when all the familiar things that you have always fallen back to just disappear/change?

what do you do when the stable and safe things in your life begin to shake?

who do you turn to when the one person whom you have always turned to when things are dire just isnt there anymore?

whom do you turn to when you just need a body double to live your life so you can take time out?

when things change? how do we deal with that so we dont get consumed by it all?

ok so i absolutely hate change and it doestnt help that the one constant thing in life is change. i just hate it that things change all the time: often for good but more often than not, NOT for good-makes you almost want to say that life is such a bummer BUT i know better than to concede that!

this i know

At the beginning of the year a friend of mine made a comment about how this year will turn out to be especially challenging and how we are going to be forced to adapt to the many changes that would be coming our way. I thought to myself what? how absurd? what is she on about but I look back now and I am perplexed by my naivette. I have learnt a lot through the many changes that I have undergone this past year.

Two of my sisters left home this year and one of them I had never been separated from for longer than absolutely necessary and infact would supervise my homework and generally boss me around while I was growing up. Her departure shook me up quite badly!

I spent much of last year with a friend of mine who at the beginning it was really difficult to get to know BUT when we did,it was lovely. Somehow this year,it all went kaput and things just got awkward, at this point allow me to add that it was a girl like me so….. I tried for ages to get to the bottom of it and to see what I had done or the role I had played in it all and couldn’t see-what it came down to was the fact that at the beginning of the year I changed the group of people who I used to hang around with and I guess was the whole struggle with relevance and insecurity on both our parts. After many mean emails and awkward IMs, we now scarcely talk and when we do its painfully polite. I guess we can’t be Ms. Popularity all the time,yeah? Its funny the thing with poison-it disguises itself totally and you wouldn’t know unless you put it through the test or someone tells you about it!

I got two jobs earlier in the year but had to forfeit them because of my nationality and I tell you I have never felt such pain.It was the worst thing that I had to deal with this past year and to me opened the floodgates for all the other drama. Everyone would tell me how oh you will get another job and all that but you know what? i kinda want this one too you know? In hindsight, I am glad now because both would have been in a bank and what with the crazy schedule, I wouldnt have hacked to do leadership this year. And so I guess the WIll of the Lord be done now and this is what He will have me do at the moment! But that pain especially coz all my life I had gotten ALL that I had worked hard for. The correlation(?) was always positive between hard work and favourable results. But NOT so this time around!

I have discovered what it really means to be a leader, to lead and mentor other leaders. This has to do with my ministry in church and the fact that we meet once a month and the temperature and tone of the meeting is always cold and hostile YET the idea is that we all meet together and sharpen each other! We don’t and indeed shouldn’t have to pretend at all. Slowly I am reminded of what my initial call is and what I need to do and what my driving force really should be. This year I have done and tried so many things-some have backfired and others have gone quite well if I must say so myself! I put myself out there quite a bit and made friends with people who ordinarily I would NOT have given time of day! and the results have been lovely.

Most of all what i have learned and this i know for sure is that change is inevitable and that I must learn to deal with it all and take it all in my stride!

random

Talking to a friend over the weekend I realized that I am the kind of person who can without thinking give so much of my self,person and time to another without giving one thought to myself and my welfare. And as I say this I realize that this does not make me selfless . No. We are in the midst of organizing a bridal shower for a dear friend and each of us needed to contribute some money for the day. No problem. I had also been singing about how I needed to go for a pedicure. My friend just commented and said,” …  so without thinking, you will give money for the shower and not treat yourself?”

And it hit me that many times that is what I do! I place myself last. Time and again, I come last and I can’t do it any more, very few people do the same for me but noooooooooo! I just keeping giving more than what I get in return and sadly there comes a time in every girls life when she has to be Number One.

Talking of weddings and showers, what do I get my friend? I had thought of getting a voucher for her to go for a full wax and when I think of it, will she do it or will it just go to waste? Many of my friends do not wax/shave and I don’t know whether this is likely to change with the thought of impending nuptials. I doubt it though so I won’t take a risk with the voucher.

I have learnt so many things but at the top of it all, is that in life when you get a good thing, you take it (or GRAB it) and run for dear life. When you are on to a good thing, grab onto it and don’t let go of it come what may. This probably makes me sound like a selfish person but I think this is a new awakening for me. Finally and slowly, I am coming into my own and I don’t know whether I will love me or if those around me will love me and accept me for who or what I am/will be at that time. I hate change even in as much as I know that the only constant in life is that same detested thing. CHANGE.