Sunday Reads

• More beautiful embroidery art like the above here
• Some reads on marriages: arranged marriages, huge gap in age and remarrying an ex
• An honour to live in the time of and read the work of the Sociology Madala
• Some benefits of extending basic income and cautions against it
• Making friends as an adult.
• Weird incentives to people working from offices again.
• Healthy heart benefits from breastfeeding.
• Which of these shows have you watched? I wanna get into Traitors
• Strawberry Scones

Sunday Reads

• Why many older women are saying “I don’t” to marriage
• Really fascinated by people’s home offices.
• Imagine returning to the office to book a quiet room to work away from colleagues when you were sold culture, communication and collaboration.
• I really enjoyed listening to this podcast about the role and importance of platonic relationships in our lives. I wish I could go back and listen to it for the first time all over again.
• Parental burnout is a thing.

Recipes

• Yummy roasted carrots

Friendship over the years

Kiswahili has a colloquial saying, ukiachwa, achika, which loosely translates into, if someone breaks up with you or leaves you, leave. Don’t fight or push, just go. But with friendship, I have found that it’s not so easy. Or at least in my case, it has not been that easy. I have been trying to put this reflective piece into words for so long and I am not any closer to a conclusion either way.

Our twenties are an interesting period friendship wise. I remember how much time I could devote to friends. Hanging out, doing nothing and everything in between: sleep overs, talking, catching up, running errands, just all that had to do with life. So many memories from this time have various friends as they were integral to that young adult phase of life. Then in your mid-twenties between work schedules of differing intensities, meeting a partner, settling down or starting your family, somehow you whittle down from that friend gang to a core group that become like a second skin, with whom you continue to make memories, you attend each other’s weddings, meet their kids, and love these little people like your own. A chosen family for all intents and purposes.

Less spoken of though are the friendship break ups. These are few and far between, deep and just as isolating. Sometimes they happen after a conversation, other times, they involve being ghosted. In some cases, an individual can ghost a whole group, in others, they pick and chose who to ghost.

Both types of ghosting have happened to me.

Once, 15 years ago, a dear friend ghosted our entire friend group and overnight we never spoke for over a decade. We eventually made up. Enough time had gone by, and we were thankfully not the same people and had so much more in common so on both sides, there was interest to pick up and catch up. We spoke about this incident and there was a misunderstanding that we could happily talk through and continue a friendship that now involves our children playing together.

Recently, I alone was ghosted and it’s a weird place to be in. I like what this NYT article talks about that you should try and name the feeling you have, realise that friendships end and that there is no shame in whatever you are feeling. Friendships end and often for reasons beyond your control.

From the entire story this paragraph particularly stood out for me:

“Anything that helps you express emotion will ease grief,” Dr. Franco said. That might include journaling, crying or talking to friends who won’t minimize your feelings. Try to validate your suffering in a compassionate way, she urged, by acknowledging that your feelings connect you to others who have struggled with similar issues — an idea called “common humanity.” (I, for one, have found it cathartic to write this story and realize I’m not the only one who has been through an experience like this.)

If the shoe is now on the other foot, have I ever ghosted a friend? I doubt it, I have had fall outs with friends, addressed it head on and explained why we cannot be friends and left it at that. Even just typing that made me feel like a tough old nut but I prefer to be direct in love and demonstrating grace. So actually no, I don’t think I have.

Friendships end and I suppose that’s a fact of life.

Edited to add: The comments on the NYT piece are a whole education on their own. People have such intense feelings and useful tips on how to move forward.

Lessons from 2022

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

• Church in person trumps any convenience offered by online church. Earlier this year I went back to in-person Church and the joy of singing and praying together is inexpressible but has been very affirming. My daughter also transitioned into Sunday School which has been very nice.
• Your kids will fall sick, you will feel it with all your body but they are tenacious little things and will certainly bounce back. Its tough in the moment but it definitely gets better.
• I made up with an old friend and it has been so seamless and beautiful, catching up on past things, present concerns our dreams for the future. We have met each others kids and it is just so beautiful.
• It’s a watershed moment for me when someone can lie about any of the following three things: the birth of a child, a marriage and the death of a loved one. You don’t have to tell me all your stuff but these are major things in my book and this is stuff that I would share with a dear friend and if you can’t, then it’s clear where we stand with each other.
• Success to God looks and feels so different to my own definition. God asks for continuous obedience and faithfulness in what He has asked or called you for. In seasons like this year, it has been very tough to serve Him faithfully but as I wrestled with this, I have seen Him as a loving father, a compassionate God, and someone that sticks closer than a brother.
• Prayer >>> worry. So many things would have felled me and caused me such anguish but this year I learnt that I have to pray through what I want, not what I see but what I want and trust God for that.
• The people I share my home with are the utter best, I would choose them anytime. Over and again.
• The key to longevity in marriage this year has been taking it one day at a time and truly being the Mr’s biggest and loudest cheearleader. Always and repeatedly. Also, keep the you-owe me list short and travel light. Just as I can have a long account of things owed, so can he.
• I used my voice this year at work to get me out of a tough work enviroment and it has been for the best. Also, if you can, get a coach – it’s worth it.
• The joy of unwinding on a Friday evening with a face mask, body scrub and a cup of hot tea in the bath with a great book. Yes!!!

Some more podcast recommendations

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

• I loved how Dr Gotian talked about important vs interesting work and how she thinks about mentoring and her daily work practices.
• How To Speak Up So Others Listen and why you should develop a writing habit
• This podcast looks at birthing experiences of black mothers in America. This episode was jarring but very good listening.
• This Freakonomics MD episode “Would you rather see a computer or a doctor?” raised some fascinating questions and research findings.
• I loved learning about the female con artist.
• Yes!! Open up space to people of all abilities.
• About Black Fatherhood.
• Ear hustle takes the road.
• Such injustice and inequality! Jeez, when does it let up.

Sunday Reads

• Being a working mom from both sides of the coin
• How are you doing on your personal goals so far?
• Personal clutter to prioritise
• I love the idea of personal coupons for kids to cash in
• Toilet paper roll craft ideas
• Simple relationship goals
• Traveling with kids – all tips always welcome
• … how To Swab A Baby For Covid-19

Recipes

• Making cake pops 🙂
• Healthy breakfast ideas
• Birthday Cake Cookies
• Homemade Granola

Parenting under Lockdown

The lockdown has shown me that there are two types of working people: those with children and those without.

Tweet

I have occasionally thought that of the working parents, some were better than others but today, it hit me as they say in Kiswahili kila mtu apambane na hali yake (each one to contend with their situation / bear their cross). I also read this post that chronicled how some parents are sharing their child care needs – each of us is doing what needs to be done. That is all.

So how are we sharing the responsibilities?

1. We discuss calendars on Sunday evening and coordinate so we do not have clashing calendars. This is necessary because one parent works in the morning as the other does child care/ house and all those demands.
2. We each took on more around the house based on interest and strengths. Having said that, I suspect as the mom I do more 😦
3. Early on, we shared with our respective bosses and teams the situation at home and the impact on overall availability and deadlines.
4. We regularly check in with each other because its tough for each of us, on different days and in different ways. And we need to carry each other because as I keep saying to the Mr, if we think we are hanging on by a thread now, we cannot afford to break down or get sick.
5. I/ we both dropped our house cleanliness / tidy standards because no one has time or energy to keep those up. Also, no one is visiting the other so whatever.
6. Lastly and most importantly, to be easy on myself. I had some grand plans for this year, both in terms of school, work and personally but God in His sovereignty has placed me here and now. So I occasionally say to myself, chill, be easy.

Underscoring all of this is such great privilege that we both kept our jobs and work in fields that allow us to work remotely. Coupled with this is a child who has the beginnings of being resilient and who rolls with the punches given by Mama and Papa.

So how are you coping?

Lockdown Lesson 1

Photo by bongkarn thanyakij on Pexels.com

This being Day 8902 of lockdown (not really, it’s Day 54 here) and working remotely as we take care of the 14-month old. I wanted to share the one thing I have learnt about my Mr and new work mate:

He is really passionate about his work. He is genial and well liked and regarded by his workmates. They really respect him too. He is also very serious when at work. Less positively, he hates to do any kind of project admin. Oh and his day involves being in so many meetings / calls.

It’s been interesting to see this side of him as the last time we worked so closely together was back at Varsity.

What have you learnt about yourself or your partner / housemate(s) as you worked from home? If you and your partner regularly work from home, what have you learnt from each other at this time?

Love your job, whatever it is

This short film challenged me to love my work and to do it to the best of my ability.

Sunday Reads

• The lies parents tell to keep peace and sanity around the house.
• May the Church of God continue to stand strong always.
• Just read a bit of the Word, regardless.
• This little baby made my day.
• These lessons can easily apply to any new job.
• Oh New York how much I love thee

Recipes

• Cilantro Lime Dressing
• More pasta recipes
• Must try this: Blueberry Ginger Sorbet
• Chicken breast recipes
• Chickpeas stew

Sunday Reads

• I loved this story of how food bridged the gap between the mainstream culture and “the other”.
• Relating your faith and child discipline.
• I loved Asma Khan’s episode of Chef’s Table.
• I love a good playlist and have gotten started on this one.
• This teacher deserves an award.

Recipes

• 10 Cozy and Quick to make Vegetarian Dinners 
• Some more potato recipes

On being Other

 

Only Black

Only Female

Only Foreigner

Youngest person

…. although I would change the fact that she had to transform into the mainstream to get a seat at the table. What if the mainstream changed to accommodate her and she did not morph into a gatekeeper for the new “other”.

 

Work Advice I Live By

I just read this post and the comment and felt prompted  to respond with some of my own career advice.

Photo by Ree on Pexels.com

1. Think of your career as a jungle gym not a ladder and it’s OK to change your mind about your career path, your objective, it’s OK.
2. Fake it till you make, most of us are.
3. Find that thing that distinguishes you from everyone else on the team and perfect that.
4. Show respect to everyone from the most junior to the most senior and do not compromise your personal beliefs for anyone.
5. Demand respect from all the people you work with and it will follow.
6. Identify the person at your level that the management loves and replicate what you can of this winning formula. Caution here though, you might not get the same feelings they do but it could help with your overall feedback and perception.
7. Work is work, give it your best but don’t kill yourself for it. Unless you are self-employed, we are all replaceable.
8. Listen to feedback and then decide what works best for you and work on improving that.
9. Trust your instinct when it is time to move on.
10. Go into each job with a specific goal or lesson that you would like to learn and then compare this with your specific career objectives or goals.
11. Be the kind of senior that you wish you had at each stage of your career. Ths has meant extra work for me at times but is personally aligned to my core beliefs and so it’s also been a source of great joy.

Whatever you work at, work as unto the glory of God

What professional advice do you live by?

 

Sunday Reads

• On being young, overeducated and struggling to find employment.
• How do you pick yourself up after failure?
• Faith in the workplace.
• For those looking to get married, here is an ebook you can enjoy as you prepare yourself.
• Lost and found in Tokyo.
• How you can help refugees in your town.
• A Tour of Johannesburg Food Trucks

• This DIY Bath tray seems so easy to make, sigh!
• Podcast recommendations.

Recipes

• Raspberry, white chocolate ice cream pops
• Tamarind and Ginger Glaze Chicken Wings.
• Stuffed tomatoes.
• Cooking with breadcrumbs.
• Toasted Oats ‘n’ Spice Make Oatmeal Cookie Ice Cream

Sunday Reads

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Nicholle Kobi (@nichollekobi)

• This advise for young college graduates still resonates.
• … this too.
• Some questions to ask as you interview.
• God calls us to be faithful not successful.
• I have thought of starting a podcast with a pal *sigh*
• Things to do around my new hood.

Recipes

• This is so odd of me but I really want to have a party with a cheese plate 🙂
• Artichoke & Quinoa Vegetarian Enchiladas
• Quick Vegan Enchiladas with Sweet Potato Sauce
• A fail proof way to make sorbet.
• Love this chocolate cake recipe.
• A pasta salad with roasted carrots and sunflower seed dressing
• This coffee recipe sounds yum 🙂
• Vegan Panna Cotta recipes

Sunday Reads

“To all the little girls out there,
we will set fire to this world
that steals your childhoods
and stops you from being
everything you want to be,
and build you a better one from the ashes,
the kind of world that treasures you
for all your powerful capabilities.”

– Nikita Gill, Women’s March 2018

• Improving your productivity when you work from home.
• Books on female friendship – I immediately got Sula, Toni Morrison.
• What some people will do to get married to the person of their choice.
• Helping your children to read the Bible.
• I would like a friend that keeps me accountable.
• I have been having Presidential Dinners.
• Tough circumstances but very important lessons for Christians in the Marketplace.
• Chimamanda on motherhood.
• I love me some “This is Us“

Recipes

• Wanna try this butternut, beans and enchiladas
• I think I am on a Mexican tip
• Another yummy mushroom recipe
• Healthy vegetarian recipes.
• 20-minute vegetarian curry.
• If you like to make burgers at home.

Sunday Reads

• This Nobel winner started a fund to help women deal the fact that they are disproportionately more likely to take care of children after hours.
• Imagine being old and dying all alone? Well me neither.
• Would you buy groceries that are still OK but past their best before date?
• Bible reading plans if you would like to get through it in one year.

Recipes

• Yummy chickpeas, broccoli and coconut.
• A week of chicken meals.

Sunday Reads

This definition of her: to go from her father to her husband, to be pretty, docile – a man made tragedy. Her soul was made of larger, more powerful things, things that create or desecrate armies and galaxies. This is why when she loves she changes kingdoms, and when she hates she destroys legacies.  Nikita Gill, Jasmine, A Princess That Belonged To Herself First

• If you are looking for New Years Resolutions.
• An alternative to making resolutions: one, two  and three.
• Getting the most out of meetings.
• Some opportunities and threats for the local Church.
• Gender roles and the Church.
• Some great reads from 2017.
• On bringing up your kids counter to culture.
• Some great comments on friendship.

Recipes

• Another chicken recipe, yum!
• I wanna try and make this sweet potato sage lasagna.
• This fish recipe is to die for.

Sunday Reads

Fill your life with women that empower you, that help you believe in your magic and aid them to believe in their own exceptional power and their incredible magic too. Women that believe in each other can survive anything. Women who believe in each other create armies that will win kingdoms and wars. Nikita Gill

• Is the choice to just lean out or in?
• The world of women at work is still so complicated.
• So before you quit that job …
• Take an inventory of your soft skills.
• Because white women have to be innocent.
• Racial harmony in the Church
• I recently read Beneath the Lions Gaze and loved it but it made me think of Ethiopia’s history and how they got to where they currently are as a nation.
• This post beautifully characterised a difficult individual (Grace Mugabe).
• Beautiful book covers.
• I love the idea of the Not Yorker.
• But you gotta love Nigeria(ns)
• Kids do know an awful lot, no?
• I collect receipts like all the time.
• … as do our grandparents.

Recipes

• This chicken and cabbage recipe.
• 20 ways to reuse your leftover rice.
• This beet, citrus and olive salad.

Sunday Reads

Source

• Some of the narratives driving Kenya’s election.
• 17 strategies for the workplace.
• The place of the woman in the church: two similar views. One and Two.
• Stunning pictures of Ethiopia.
• ​Some amazing things to say to your dad
• ​On home and identity within Nigeria.
• You are better than you think you are.
• Wearing hair scarves.
• How many bible chapters do you know?
• Did you/did you not take your husbands surname? I didn’t/ haven’t.
• On praying for the salvation of lost family.
• I’ve been to one of these five cities.

Recipes

• 15 cakes to bake