Friendship over the years

Kiswahili has a colloquial saying, ukiachwa, achika, which loosely translates into, if someone breaks up with you or leaves you, leave. Don’t fight or push, just go. But with friendship, I have found that it’s not so easy. Or at least in my case, it has not been that easy. I have been trying to put this reflective piece into words for so long and I am not any closer to a conclusion either way.

Our twenties are an interesting period friendship wise. I remember how much time I could devote to friends. Hanging out, doing nothing and everything in between: sleep overs, talking, catching up, running errands, just all that had to do with life. So many memories from this time have various friends as they were integral to that young adult phase of life. Then in your mid-twenties between work schedules of differing intensities, meeting a partner, settling down or starting your family, somehow you whittle down from that friend gang to a core group that become like a second skin, with whom you continue to make memories, you attend each other’s weddings, meet their kids, and love these little people like your own. A chosen family for all intents and purposes.

Less spoken of though are the friendship break ups. These are few and far between, deep and just as isolating. Sometimes they happen after a conversation, other times, they involve being ghosted. In some cases, an individual can ghost a whole group, in others, they pick and chose who to ghost.

Both types of ghosting have happened to me.

Once, 15 years ago, a dear friend ghosted our entire friend group and overnight we never spoke for over a decade. We eventually made up. Enough time had gone by, and we were thankfully not the same people and had so much more in common so on both sides, there was interest to pick up and catch up. We spoke about this incident and there was a misunderstanding that we could happily talk through and continue a friendship that now involves our children playing together.

Recently, I alone was ghosted and it’s a weird place to be in. I like what this NYT article talks about that you should try and name the feeling you have, realise that friendships end and that there is no shame in whatever you are feeling. Friendships end and often for reasons beyond your control.

From the entire story this paragraph particularly stood out for me:

“Anything that helps you express emotion will ease grief,” Dr. Franco said. That might include journaling, crying or talking to friends who won’t minimize your feelings. Try to validate your suffering in a compassionate way, she urged, by acknowledging that your feelings connect you to others who have struggled with similar issues — an idea called “common humanity.” (I, for one, have found it cathartic to write this story and realize I’m not the only one who has been through an experience like this.)

If the shoe is now on the other foot, have I ever ghosted a friend? I doubt it, I have had fall outs with friends, addressed it head on and explained why we cannot be friends and left it at that. Even just typing that made me feel like a tough old nut but I prefer to be direct in love and demonstrating grace. So actually no, I don’t think I have.

Friendships end and I suppose that’s a fact of life.

Edited to add: The comments on the NYT piece are a whole education on their own. People have such intense feelings and useful tips on how to move forward.

Sunday Reads

• Ways to Lead and Love Your Wife (and Husband)
• Moving to a new city is emotional but the 20’s is the best time to do it.
• Why is learning not adapting to the current times?
• Reader’s block is a thing.
• Book recommendations for high schoolers.
• When you feel like you are wasting your life.

Recipes

• Salads Without Lettuce
• 10 Simple Tricks for Better Home-Brewed Coffee
• Easy Vegetarian Recipes
• Sometimes I work from home and it would be nice to have a variety of lunch recipes to save myself eating cereal or cheese sandwiches.
• Chicken and rice recipes, so yum

I knew I was grown when ….

Daily writing prompt

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

View all responses

… on family trips I was left in charge of my own passport. Before that, my mom always kept all our passports. Later, she handed our personal files with all our details to us. I was about 18/19 because this was about the time when I had just finished high school and my parents would look to me to tell them what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I was blank as anything. And to think of how many decisions I have made since then, strengthening that decision muscle with each one.

Making my own little humans

This mom went viral for putting together a list of things that she would like her child(ren) to learn. She calls it how to be a person. There are so many skills that we now think old fashioned, unnecessary or whatever else you can think of. But this is what I would include in my list.

• Stitching and being able to repair a tear on your clothes, fix your hem or replace a button.
• Cooking – a couple of meat dishes, some starch, veggies and a salad. Cooking is a life skill.
• Baking – basic cupcakes, a tea loaf
• Saving skills and waiting to get something big (besides food, clothing, shelter, education)
• A love and appreciation for travel
• Reading for fun, all kinds of genres
• Handwashing delicate items and fabrics
• Paying and receiving compliments
• Washing dishes, pots and pans
• Memorising scripture and praying out loud
• Changing a tyre, know about your tyre pressure and to check on your water and oil levels

Finally, not sure how to explain this but to generally think always of the whole family as they go about stuff. For instance, growing up my mom would say if she is not home by say 5:30, start cooking. When we would wash clothes, she would get us the younger ones to wash the easier items as the older girls did the harder stuff and as I got older and proficient, I was entrusted with the same responsibility. When you finish stuff, please add it onto the list, throw out the last roll of tissue and add a new one. This would be the case for a daugther and son.

A question for the parents in your life

A friend of mine recently had a baby and I went to visit her. While there, her husband asked me what my daughter is into and I thought that was such a lovely question to ask a parent because it transforms them totally and gives you such insight into their child and them. Try it and see.

A Friday in July

From my favourite spot in the internet:

* a TV show, movie or book you’re into right now
* what you’re looking forward to
* something that’s worrying you
* a dessert you’ll never refuse
* would you rather have flight vs. invisibility?

Right now I am reading some awesome books: The Weekend, Good Company, Unsettled Ground. Nothing really good on TV right now.

I am looking forward to taking my daughter for a visit to my parents later next month.

Worried about whether we will ever get to herd immunity with such varied responses to the COVID-19 vaccine.

I will never say NO to ice cream. Nope!

I would rather have invisibility. All the conversations I will be able to listen to and places I can hang out and not worry about being seen.

What is your response to this pop quiz?

Three (maybe, four) thoughts on Grace

At Church we are covering a series on Grace and so far the study has reminded me of two things that I would like to share today.

The definition of grace is “unearned, unmerited and undeserved kindness and favour of God.” Grace is free and has all to do with God and His love for us a sinful, unfaithful and undeserving people.

Sometimes we forget this meaning and so it’s the third thing that we often forget and so I thought it wise to begin there. Now onto the things that I have actually learnt.

1. No sin is bigger than God’s grace. There is nothing that we can do that will set us apart from the grace of God. Because if there were, it would negate the very definition of grace.
2. We have to accept this grace on our own behalf. In that sense it’s personal but it’s also possible that you can reject it and miss out because we choose the penalty (death – the wage for sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ [Rom 6:23]) over and over again.
3. Lastly, due to our nature, we can get very transactional with God. If you do this, I will ….  I thought I didn’t do this but I see that I quite often do this I still bargain and negotiate and try to “please” God so I am slowly learning to rest in His completed work and to be still.

I pray that I continue to meditate on these truths always.

Passion catches

I love it when I watch people do anything, however odd or random, that totally absorbs them and that fully consumes them, like this guy in the video.

 

Beware of language though ..

Kids say the cutest things ever

Please read this post on cute things that kids say and then look at the comments as well. Below are some stand-out gems:

• Setting the scene: peaceful Saturday morning. Cup of coffee, book, couch, blanket, fireplace, spouse taking care of the baby, bliss.

Suddenly the 4-year-old pipes up: “Mama. When are you and daddy going to die?”

• I got in a 30 minute heated argument with my 4 year old once over who took care of her when I was a baby. (I had shown her a newborn picture of myself and it blew her mind to pieces.) She shrieked… “BUT MOM!!!!!! When you were a baby, and I was a baby, who was taking care of me??!! You couldn’t take care of me if you were a baby. Gasp! Oh no, was I all alone?” No matter how much I explained, the more upset she became. We finally settled on… Grandma. Grandma took care of all of us. And with that, the argument was over haha.
• “Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.“
• Sometimes I overhear a kid say something funny at a store and start laughing. And then one of my kids screams, ‘why are you laughing? Tell me Tell me!’ And then it gets awkward.
• My son was at about 2 years old when he saw me coming out of the shower and said “mumma, I love your bajina.” I could not have laughed harder.
• The other day, my 5-year-old daughter looked at me sweetly and said, “Mama, when you get old and die, can I have your phone?”

All this reminds me of a conversation with my 2.75 year old niece at the time who in a public bathroom asked me rather loudly whether I have a vagina and how I wanted to eat her up whole because I was not sure what would follow my answer! Urrrghs kids 🙂

Values I admire in my Parents

Photo by Noelle Otto on Pexels.com

Today, I want to focus on my parents and the values they have imparted in me that I admire and hope to replicate with my children.

1. Their work ethic. My parents inspired my sisters and I to work hard, to be our best and not to be limited by gender, our circumstances or other life setbacks. They themselves came from such humble beginnings and accomplished so much that by their actions and choices, you were inspired to try your best.
2. Their relationship with money. As far as I know, my parents never bought anything on credit. If they couldn’t save and get it, they did not get it. Also, to save all your money, save even if you have no immediate plans, just save.
3. Family first. My sisters and I always knew (know) that we were important and that we mattered to them, that they gave us their best and withheld nothing from us. They loved and even, liked us, and we never doubted this. We are our parents best investment and choice and there is something comforting in that.
4. I love that their parenting style did not require them to compare any of us. To them, we are unique, we are individuals and each success was celebrated on its own and each failure dealt with separately. As a result, all five of us are friends and continue to do the same thing with each other to date.
5. Faith and the role of God. He is over and above all things, always has and always has been.
6. Choice. Marry when you want, there is no pressure to marry or in fact conform because we are women. Study what you want at school – whether Physics or Home science. Learn how to slaughter a chicken or change a tyre, just because you are only girls, you still need to know.
7. A love for books. Yes!!!

 

 

What Matters Most To Me

I recently went through an exercise to define my top values in life and it made me very reflective because values are something you never think of until someone crosses it then you realise, woah! something is off here.

1. My faith in God is something that I feel very strongly about and hope that people realise when they meet me. It guides my decisions, my reactions and my feelings through life. I believe in One God, the Father the Almighty, One God in Three Persons, He died and rose again and will return. That God, even when things in life go against this thinking, my prayer is I stand in my belief in God.
2. Family is very important to me. Loyalty to family, love for family. Enjoying your family. My sisters are truly God’s best gift to me and if we weren’t related, I would still want to know. My folks are the bomb.com. I always say that I would pay good money to live with them for a month some where. With the Mr, the idea is to make our home a home so we both have this enabling and loving environment where we both return to and just want to dwell in and enjoy each other. As you get older and refine your circle of friends, you ostensibly end up with friends that are like family and it is important to cherish those as well and invest in them. Friendship is important.
3. Serving God and fellow man is another thing of importance to me. If I do not give back to those that are less fortunate, if I am not moved by the plight of those less fortunate than me, then what I have is not worth it. Serving in Church is an expression of my faith and that must be done but I also still delight in that.
4. Working hard and being my best given my constraints is important. I love to set goals and work towards them and that feeling of meeting them and sometimes even exceeding expectations is so refreshing. I am not so concerned about being the first or the best, but being my best is good enough.
5. How I work hard is by being resilient. I take stock of the failure or the setbacks and then moving forward. I care about meeting my goals and not giving up when things are tough or not going as well as I expected.
6. Stability and Freedom that often comes from being educated or being financially stable. Also, from having family or friends do what they say they will, when they will do it. It helps clarify life and make things much simpler for you to really perform at that optimum level. As a worker, I also find that I like the autonomy to make my own decisions and work at my own pace as opposed to being micro-managed.
7. Fun and Play because you need to refresh, slow down and enjoy the successes otherwise they are useful and you do not perform at your optimum. For me this looks like reading books, listening to music, hanging with friends and family, journaling, watching telly or traveling.

What are your top values? What defines you and makes you unique?

Work Advice I Live By

I just read this post and the comment and felt prompted  to respond with some of my own career advice.

Photo by Ree on Pexels.com

1. Think of your career as a jungle gym not a ladder and it’s OK to change your mind about your career path, your objective, it’s OK.
2. Fake it till you make, most of us are.
3. Find that thing that distinguishes you from everyone else on the team and perfect that.
4. Show respect to everyone from the most junior to the most senior and do not compromise your personal beliefs for anyone.
5. Demand respect from all the people you work with and it will follow.
6. Identify the person at your level that the management loves and replicate what you can of this winning formula. Caution here though, you might not get the same feelings they do but it could help with your overall feedback and perception.
7. Work is work, give it your best but don’t kill yourself for it. Unless you are self-employed, we are all replaceable.
8. Listen to feedback and then decide what works best for you and work on improving that.
9. Trust your instinct when it is time to move on.
10. Go into each job with a specific goal or lesson that you would like to learn and then compare this with your specific career objectives or goals.
11. Be the kind of senior that you wish you had at each stage of your career. Ths has meant extra work for me at times but is personally aligned to my core beliefs and so it’s also been a source of great joy.

Whatever you work at, work as unto the glory of God

What professional advice do you live by?

 

Book Review: Always Another Country – Sisonke Msimang

 Buy here

I read this book over the December holidays and was sooo excited, I am not sure what happened and it’s almost four months later that I am here gushing about it. Urgggh!! Please see below my thoughts under the different themes, page numbers are provided in brackets for you to follow.

General

•  This is a book for us women, refugees, blacks (6) and I totally totally agree.
• I love that our time in Nairobi overlap – when she returns from Canada. I know all the landmarks she mentions of Nairobi. It felt so good to read a book about a place that I knew and know of so intimately. Double yay!!
• I thought it was odd that she kept referring to her folks as Mummy and Baba??? So odd coz those are two different languages in my head and I would have gone with either Mummy and Daddy or Mama and Baba.
• I wondered also why she protects the names of her own kids but not Simon’s eldest two. Not sure what that’s about is it maybe that they are adults and the other two are minors?
• The things said to them about a male child being preferred to daughters. And how this is often blamed on the mother in a way that gives the husband carte blanche to stray in the name of looking for a son (pp 7 – 27). I know this reality all too well and all I think is Biology lessons are important for all.
• It’s so subtle but her talking about not participating in the street games and fights as much as the local kids do coz it could turn on you:

“I had to choose how I would distinguish myself and I knew that it had to be safe.”(9)

• The plight of house girls and domestic workers – all too relatable ( 50).
• Having read Pumla’s Rape, it resonated with me how she spoke about the incident of being sexually attacked: her response and that of the adults around her (52 -55). Also, in the light of #MeToo, I thought it quite bold that she opened up about this incident.
• The urgency for them to receive their citizenship. Yeah, I get that (67 – 68).
• I remember the following events but was probably too young to consider their true impact on history: Chris Hani, Mandelas release, the IFP-sponsored murders and the election.

Growing up Foreign

• Being called an African monkey. While that did not happen to me, I know about being called a refugee almost as though it was a dirty swear word.
• And the rules that their mom had them follow because growing up in another country with parents working full time, there is not a big social infrastructure to support the parents. So rules are key or in young people speak, rules are bae.

“… the immigrant child knows that outside is one thing but home is another country.” (83)

“The immigrant child knows that the key to survival is in the inflection points. … The key to survival is in blending in first, in learning how to be just like else as a first step to freedom. You have to know how the inside works before you can stand outside and make everybody laugh.” (90)

“The immigrant child doesn’t make any noise. … She is preparing for the day when she will have mastered the art of being normal so that she can stand out.” (90)

Sisterhood

• How she always talks of her sisters, so beautiful and in some way the story is as much about them as it is her. Yay sisterhood.

Race

•  I understand when she talks of her discovery of her race in the States. The same thing happened to me in RSA.
• Being foreign in South Africa has shown me that White ones are still preferred to Black ones. Sad but fact!

Moms: 

• On discovering that your mom is not just a role – mom, wife, friend, daughter – but actually a woman with dreams, feelings and thoughts quite apart from me even. GASP, SHOCKING.
• How their mom almost became like an older fourth sister but their dad remained a dad. I find this to be the truth with us too.

“To know your mother as an adult is to finally see that she has lived many more years as a woman than you have been alive. To be a grown woman who loves her mother is to understand that it is no easy thing to raise children so beautifully that they don’t worry about you until they are grown up and ready to carry the complex burden of that anxiety.” (304)

• Class: I enjoyed reading about her relationship with her nanny especially when they were both pregnant. I thought it was the most honest tale by a middle class Black woman that I could totally relate to.

So please go out, buy the book read, it, share it and enjoy it.

Now, to make friends with her in real life?

Sunday Reads

• This Nobel winner started a fund to help women deal the fact that they are disproportionately more likely to take care of children after hours.
• Imagine being old and dying all alone? Well me neither.
• Would you buy groceries that are still OK but past their best before date?
• Bible reading plans if you would like to get through it in one year.

Recipes

• Yummy chickpeas, broccoli and coconut.
• A week of chicken meals.

I Knew I was Married When …

1. We unpacked our wedding gifts and as we reminisced about the little parts of the wedding.
2. I went back to living with my sister and nephew and something was missing and I knew it was the Mr.
3. My family would ask whether I had checked with the Mr before doing …
4. His aunts would thank me for all sorts of things.
5. His family would ask after me when he went for family stuff solo.
6. It just made sense to clarify our plans before committing us socially.
7. We hosted our first set of people at our first place.

Some days are better than others but most times I do feel married and I can’t even say what it is that makes it more than just when we were dating.

 

Three Recent Experiences

1. I recently went to the Zeitz Mocaa and had my breath blown away, it’s a lovely experience and has quickly become one of the top things to do in Cape Town.
2. A pal celebrated his birthday and we went to the Reverie Social Table. Had such a great time while there that I immediately begun to plan the return visit. Do check it out. Below was the first fish course. 
3. Went with the Mr for our first spa day and we enjoyed it so much, we promised ourselves to do it often enough. Afterwards, we had a nice health lunch.

 

Sunday Reads

• We live in times that are not friendly to Black women.
• So many fantastic ideas for African focused and produced podcasts. Just yes already!!
• African history is fascinating and powerful.
• Occasionally Joburg has some interesting events.
• And Cape Town’s history and racial inequality can drain you for days.
• This exhibition in Nairobi sounds like it was so exciting.
• I wanna be friends with this mama.
• I love how this article talks of the changes to female friendship as their own roles diversify.
• And this sensitive and practical response to that.
• Practical ways to teach your children the Bible.
• Life is all about perspective.
• Are you Ok being alone or does solitude scare you?

 

Some more about me ..

What’s on your nightstand?

My bible, two or three books I am currently reading, a bottle of perfume, two birthday cards from family, a coaster (for my nightly cuppa tea), some paperwork I need to file.

What is an ideal day?

Predictable i.e it goes according to plan with nothing unexpected.

What trait do you deplore in other people?

Dishonesty, lack of conviction.

What trait do you most admire in other people?

Honesty, loyalty and ambition/drive.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Books, tea and stationary.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Hopelessness and having nothing to look forward to.

Who’s your favorite hero of fiction or movies?

Moses from the books by Barbara Kimenye

Mountain or beach vacation?

City, but if I had to strictly choose, then beach.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My buck teeth.

 

Books read: January – April

• Truly, Madly, Guilty – Sinead Moriarty
• On Black Sisters Street – Chika Unigwe 
• Changes – Ama Ata Aidoo
• Modern Lovers – Emma Straub
• The Woman Next Door – Yewande Omotoso
• Rape – Pumla Dineo Gqola (My review) 
• When Breath Becomes Air – Paul Kalanithi
• Small Great Acts – Jodi Picoult
• Jeffrey Archer’s Clifton Chronicles Book Two and Three
• An Elegy for Easterly – Petina Gappah
• Grit – Angela Duckworth

I happily enjoyed all of these books that I would happily recommend any of them.

Is goodbye possible if you have their number crammed?

When we first started dating, the Mr had this theory about how girls shed friends in their 20s. Shed. His word, not mine. And always, I would scoff at him and state how I am too loyal a friend to ever lose a friendship. See, I know of myself that I am a particularly loyal friend. Loyal to the point of abuse or pain.

As a result, I am fairly ready to make amends and walk a mile in someone else’s shoe, try and be there for them, and basically to be the type of pal that I would want to have and the type of friend that they also talk of wanting in their life. As a result, I often struggle with when to let go of a difficult/ trying/ unfulfilling relationship. To be honest, I always start with never, you can try a bit more, come on, give it another go.

However, I currently find myself  pondering over this issue with a friend that I have known for over 10 years. In truth, the struggle was to allow myself to walk away and I am now at that place.

The best part of this friendship has always been the fact that we are two peas in a pod, kindred spirits in a sense. She and I have the same outlook in life. She has that gentleness in her that I know I can trust and that she will never take advantage of me. Which I totally loved and will always cherish about her. Having said that there has always been this doubt of my motives, what I say or don’t say and this has been the undertone of our entire friendship and led to many instances of not talking to each other or a lot of misunderstandings/conflict. This has been tiring and taken an overall toll on the friendship particularly now that we live in different cities and often rely on texts and emails that often don’t generally convey true meaning.

Another element of a great friendship is that as both parties get older, there is natural room for both parties to grow, experiment and come to terms with themselves in the new phase and both parties have to allow for this to naturally play itself out. Friendship cannot be rigid or imposing or it naturally dies away. As we have gotten older, I have also struggled to embrace all her choices and some of the decisions she has made have made me quite uncomfortable and I am struggling to be the friend she needs in this phase of her life.

More than that however is the fact that our friendship is steeped in the past. We are not generating new memories, we are hanging onto old memories but none of us is invested in going forward. In fact, if we did not have friends in common, we wouldn’t really know what the other was doing or what they were up to. I honestly think ten years has been great but we truly don’t need each other that much any way and so although painful, its probably the right thing to do.