Drawing on inspiration from this article, I thought of all the advice I would ever venture to give a first time mama.
You are the best parent for this child, trust that.
Get organised as best as works for you. For me that looks like a lot of lists but I appreciate that is not for everyone.
Each child is different, filter all the advise out there along these lines. You know your little one best and so trust that.
Parenting is better in a community. Accept all the help you get as long as it is offered, one day, gasp, it will stop being offered.
Fed is best. Bottle, breast, combination, FED IS BEST.
Kids eventually stop needing you as much, you do get your life back. I got told to enjoy all the stages but it was so hard to do so and so I would never add that. Just trust that you eventually get your life back.
Take pictures, journal, voice notes … just record all the early little and big moments. You somehow forget and they are all so beautiful.
Your body takes time to heal and recover, let it. SNAP BACK CULTURE is the Devils hell.
Go outside in the early days, it might be crazy to get the time but there is something so magical that happens when you soak in the sun. Oh and babies love it. If you can’t go outside, get them into warm water. Always a mood changer.
Also, sometimes babies are fussy, I have found giving them a bath or just stripping them naked and cuddling to be a gamechanger.
If the baby continues to fuss, just leave them on the bed and walk away for a bit. Calm yourself down first and then try again.
The first six weeks are a blur. Day three, Day 14 to Week 6 post baby were very emotional whirlwinds and I found that having something to look forward to made the moments memorable. I looked forward to driving to the ObGyn all by myself and that gave me strength to handle the mundane, sleepy days.
I have also learnt that a second child confirms your status as a mother. First time round you can feel like it was a fluke it was NOT. I am still best placed to care for this child with the added bonus that you now get to experience it and enjoy it because I know I can do it. Second time round it feels like the months and days went by SO fast. Also, you get to appreciate the sibling relationship firsthand as it develops and grows. It has been quite the adjustment but worthwhile.
God is still in the business of miracles. That is all.
Nothing like a lovely call to catch up with dear friends. Caught up with two friends from my teenage years this week and it was golden. I should schedule more of these more often. AMAZING.
Hugs and snuggles from children are the balm for the soul that we all need. Nothing like that full body hug and slightly sloppy kiss that only little people can give. Also, a four year old telling you about her day and a running commentary as you bake is the best thing EVER.
… on family trips I was left in charge of my own passport. Before that, my mom always kept all our passports. Later, she handed our personal files with all our details to us. I was about 18/19 because this was about the time when I had just finished high school and my parents would look to me to tell them what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I was blank as anything. And to think of how many decisions I have made since then, strengthening that decision muscle with each one.
This mom went viral for putting together a list of things that she would like her child(ren) to learn. She calls it how to be a person. There are so many skills that we now think old fashioned, unnecessary or whatever else you can think of. But this is what I would include in my list.
Stitching and being able to repair a tear on your clothes, fix your hem or replace a button.
Cooking – a couple of meat dishes, some starch, veggies and a salad. Cooking is a life skill.
Baking – basic cupcakes, a tea loaf
Saving skills and waiting to get something big (besides food, clothing, shelter, education)
A love and appreciation for travel
Reading for fun, all kinds of genres
Handwashing delicate items and fabrics
Paying and receiving compliments
Washing dishes, pots and pans
Memorising scripture and praying out loud
Changing a tyre, know about your tyre pressure and to check on your water and oil levels
Finally, not sure how to explain this but to generally think always of the whole family as they go about stuff. For instance, growing up my mom would say if she is not home by say 5:30, start cooking. When we would wash clothes, she would get us the younger ones to wash the easier items as the older girls did the harder stuff and as I got older and proficient, I was entrusted with the same responsibility. When you finish stuff, please add it onto the list, throw out the last roll of tissue and add a new one. This would be the case for a daugther and son.
It’s been nine long and amazing years since we said I do and I thought it would be lovely to share some lessons or reflections on that time.
Kindness goes a LONG way. For me kindness looks like, what I would do for myself, do plus one. Assuming the best of my partner and honestly, behaving like how I would like the Mr to behave towards me.
Love is spelt as time. Time together and then time alone. This has looked like solo holidays if you can, strategically planning work trips, going out with the kids so the other can stay home or go and meet friends. It’s also meant maintaining individual hobbies (book club, hangs with the boys). We are not date night people but we will often chat after the kiddos have slept and try and connect.
You can win the fight and lose the battle. Relationships are a long sum game, one fight is but a bleep. Having said that, it also means learning to fight fair, saying what you mean and not hitting below the belt.
Your partner will not be your ALL and thats fine, healthy even. You need other people/ interests/ things. He has to be an important and central part of my life but he will not meet ALL my needs. And that is healthy.
Have stuff to look forward to. Marriage can be mundane, it can also have its highs. Between the dips and peaks you definitely need something to look forward to and keep you steady. A big holiday, kids, buying / selling a place, a promotion, learning a new skill, getting better at something else. Memories are made daily, in the big and small moments so it doesn’t matter what, just make memories. Make memories together.
Parenting together is a revelation. You learn about yourself, the other, values. Just a lot to learn. You also see how each kid is like who and it gives you a chance to find out how each of you was as a kid. But you have to parent off the same hymn sheet and not let the kiddos drive a wedge between you.
In laws. In laws become a problem to the extent you both allow it. You have to be on the same page. They are also a resource that can make or break.
Who do we allow around us and our kids? More and more this has been a consideration. Our kids are a key part of our lives as are our friends. Our friends have to share the same values as us and we have to be able to trust that they will mirror what we also teach our kids. Eventually, all our kids will hang out together and so if we are similar, it’s even better.
Communication, Communication, Communication. Yes it is a cliche BUT, for me the lesson has been about learning how the Mr communicates and listen when they speak or read between the lines if they do speak.
There are so many interpretations of this verse and while its deeply spiritual, it urges me to maintain that quiet faith that a child has in a parent, that faith that if I ask they will give / if I call they will answer. It’s also about innocence and that sense of amazement. The beautiful sense of wonder at things large and small. Seeing the world through my children’s eyes has been very informative and helped me know how to thank God and glorify Him for all things.
For example, in the past week, my daughter has been learning her parents’ cell phone number at school. So at dinner all of last week, we would chant the ten numbers and have been trying to say them to a given beat. Yesterday evening I totally blew her mind when I finally told her it was my telephone number and if she got it right we could use her Dad’s phone to call mine. When she finally got it right, and we dialed my number her eyes were wide as saucers and her joy palpable. She was so excited and proud of herself. May we never lose this sense of wonder and awe that is innate to each of us.
A friend of mine recently had a baby and I went to visit her. While there, her husband asked me what my daughter is into and I thought that was such a lovely question to ask a parent because it transforms them totally and gives you such insight into their child and them. Try it and see.
first hand accounts of a former homebody 