It’s been nine long and amazing years since we said I do and I thought it would be lovely to share some lessons or reflections on that time.
- Kindness goes a LONG way. For me kindness looks like, what I would do for myself, do plus one. Assuming the best of my partner and honestly, behaving like how I would like the Mr to behave towards me.
- Love is spelt as time. Time together and then time alone. This has looked like solo holidays if you can, strategically planning work trips, going out with the kids so the other can stay home or go and meet friends. It’s also meant maintaining individual hobbies (book club, hangs with the boys). We are not date night people but we will often chat after the kiddos have slept and try and connect.
- You can win the fight and lose the battle. Relationships are a long sum game, one fight is but a bleep. Having said that, it also means learning to fight fair, saying what you mean and not hitting below the belt.
- Your partner will not be your ALL and thats fine, healthy even. You need other people/ interests/ things. He has to be an important and central part of my life but he will not meet ALL my needs. And that is healthy.
- Have stuff to look forward to. Marriage can be mundane, it can also have its highs. Between the dips and peaks you definitely need something to look forward to and keep you steady. A big holiday, kids, buying / selling a place, a promotion, learning a new skill, getting better at something else. Memories are made daily, in the big and small moments so it doesn’t matter what, just make memories. Make memories together.
- Parenting together is a revelation. You learn about yourself, the other, values. Just a lot to learn. You also see how each kid is like who and it gives you a chance to find out how each of you was as a kid. But you have to parent off the same hymn sheet and not let the kiddos drive a wedge between you.
- In laws. In laws become a problem to the extent you both allow it. You have to be on the same page. They are also a resource that can make or break.
- Who do we allow around us and our kids? More and more this has been a consideration. Our kids are a key part of our lives as are our friends. Our friends have to share the same values as us and we have to be able to trust that they will mirror what we also teach our kids. Eventually, all our kids will hang out together and so if we are similar, it’s even better.
- Communication, Communication, Communication. Yes it is a cliche BUT, for me the lesson has been about learning how the Mr communicates and listen when they speak or read between the lines if they do speak.
first hand accounts of a former homebody 