Kiswahili has a colloquial saying, ukiachwa, achika, which loosely translates into, if someone breaks up with you or leaves you, leave. Don’t fight or push, just go. But with friendship, I have found that it’s not so easy. Or at least in my case, it has not been that easy. I have been trying to put this reflective piece into words for so long and I am not any closer to a conclusion either way.
Our twenties are an interesting period friendship wise. I remember how much time I could devote to friends. Hanging out, doing nothing and everything in between: sleep overs, talking, catching up, running errands, just all that had to do with life. So many memories from this time have various friends as they were integral to that young adult phase of life. Then in your mid-twenties between work schedules of differing intensities, meeting a partner, settling down or starting your family, somehow you whittle down from that friend gang to a core group that become like a second skin, with whom you continue to make memories, you attend each other’s weddings, meet their kids, and love these little people like your own. A chosen family for all intents and purposes.
Less spoken of though are the friendship break ups. These are few and far between, deep and just as isolating. Sometimes they happen after a conversation, other times, they involve being ghosted. In some cases, an individual can ghost a whole group, in others, they pick and chose who to ghost.
Both types of ghosting have happened to me.
Once, 15 years ago, a dear friend ghosted our entire friend group and overnight we never spoke for over a decade. We eventually made up. Enough time had gone by, and we were thankfully not the same people and had so much more in common so on both sides, there was interest to pick up and catch up. We spoke about this incident and there was a misunderstanding that we could happily talk through and continue a friendship that now involves our children playing together.
Recently, I alone was ghosted and it’s a weird place to be in. I like what this NYT article talks about that you should try and name the feeling you have, realise that friendships end and that there is no shame in whatever you are feeling. Friendships end and often for reasons beyond your control.
From the entire story this paragraph particularly stood out for me:
“Anything that helps you express emotion will ease grief,” Dr. Franco said. That might include journaling, crying or talking to friends who won’t minimize your feelings. Try to validate your suffering in a compassionate way, she urged, by acknowledging that your feelings connect you to others who have struggled with similar issues — an idea called “common humanity.” (I, for one, have found it cathartic to write this story and realize I’m not the only one who has been through an experience like this.)
If the shoe is now on the other foot, have I ever ghosted a friend? I doubt it, I have had fall outs with friends, addressed it head on and explained why we cannot be friends and left it at that. Even just typing that made me feel like a tough old nut but I prefer to be direct in love and demonstrating grace. So actually no, I don’t think I have.
Friendships end and I suppose that’s a fact of life.
Edited to add: The comments on the NYT piece are a whole education on their own. People have such intense feelings and useful tips on how to move forward.
first hand accounts of a former homebody 