So when the Mr and I have a misunderstanding and it looks like it might hit the proverbial fan., the party that does not feel as strongly does not escalate it. How?
Recently, we were traveling, I had mapped out the route and knew what station we needed to get off at to board the connecting train when the Mr decides to change the route halfway. So we get off and the map shows we need to walk five streets to catch the train and I lost my gasket. I was so pissed off, 1) we were running late for a flight, 2) where were you when I was staying up the whole night to get the route? To give him credit though, he just kept on the task at hand and did not engage with my anger or my threats to get us a route ASAP.
This works for us and it is not prescriptive but it saves us from saying what we might later regret or descending into a shouting fit with each other.
If someone needs time to cool off, to think or process, we allow it and the other does not pressure them to discuss it at that time. However much time you need to, take it. Often we continue to engage on other matters as normal and either you don’t feel as strongly later or you have had the room to process why you felt so strongly or couldn’t engage.
I know they say not to do this, but it’s OK to sleep angry every so often. Sometimes it’s safer and better that way. Of course this can lead to silent treatment which is not great but eventually gets resolved.
No name-calling. EVER.
What rules do you and your significant live by when it comes to conflict resolution?
I just read this post and the comment and felt prompted to respond with some of my own career advice.
- Think of your career as a jungle gym not a ladder and it’s OK to change your mind about your career path, your objective, it’s OK.
- Fake it till you make, most of us are.
- Find that thing that distinguishes you from everyone else on the team and perfect that.
- Show respect to everyone from the most junior to the most senior and do not compromise your personal beliefs for anyone.
- Demand respect from all the people you work with and it will follow.
- Identify the person at your level that the management loves and replicate what you can of this winning formula. Caution here though, you might not get the same feelings they do but it could help with your overall feedback and perception.
- Work is work, give it your best but don’t kill yourself for it. Unless you are self-employed, we are all replaceable.
- Listen to feedback and then decide what works best for you and work on improving that.
- Trust your instinct when it is time to move on.
- Go into each job with a specific goal or lesson that you would like to learn and then compare this with your specific career objectives or goals.
- Be the kind of senior that you wish you had at each stage of your career. Ths has meant extra work for me at times but is personally aligned to my core beliefs and so it’s also been a source of great joy.
Whatever you work at, work as unto the glory of God
What professional advice do you live by?
Posted in Heart matters, home, marriage, working
Tagged cooking, DIY, faith, ice cream, Japan, Johannesburg, marriage, recipes, Refugees, success, Sunday Reads, working, youth
I recently discovered H.E.R. and love some of her songs.
Enjoy your weekend!
Thi is sadly Kenya …
… and then this is Nigeria
Update: This post on the Nigerian version.
Some mellow songs to soak in …
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 (NIV)
Posted in books, Heart matters, home, working
Tagged books, cooking, faith, fatherhood, music, pasta recipe, recommendations, South Africa, Sunday Reads, Uganda, xenophobia
We all need some help getting rid of clutter around the house and so I loved this list.
I love this one – the blue couch and slowly I am being drawn to indoor (low-maintenance) plants
I LOVE THE JUMP SUIT AND YES i AM SHOUTING
7 “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left,that you may be successful wherever you go.
8 Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.
9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:7-9)
True success is found in meditating on the Word of God and in carefully obeying His precepts. I will be honest and say that this is not how I often think of success but my prayer is that for the days to come, this is how I would view it and by the grace of God attempt to live my life out like this.
Posted in home
Tagged advice, cheese, coffee, cooking, enchilladas, hosting, interviews, Johannesburg, life lessons, Linden, Mexican, Nicholle Koabi, pasta recipe, recipes, working
I love Viola Davis’s dedication to her craft.
I enjoyed her book but this after her writing on Grey’s Anatomy, HTGAWM, Scandal … Yes!
My first encounter with her was the book Rape and it was jarring but I loved how she laid out her arguments and have loved her books after.
We just need to meet Chimamanda, we just need to.
The questions I have for the William sisters, individually and collectively.
I love her memoir, Always another country. Please read it?
So who is on your list of famous friends?
So I AM VERY loyal in a friendship but will once in a while call things to a head when they are just not working between a friend and I. So this is how I go about that whole process.
- Take time and think through the entire life of the friendship, the good, the bad and the ugly. Grieve even if you need to.
- Be honest about the issues that did not make you happy and why you can’t be in the friendship anymore.
- Decide if you want to ghost the friend or if you want to speak to them about it. My key determinant is always: is there a chance that you might make up later or is this the end of the friendship?
- If I am going to say something, I always email the friend because it gives them room to process without the added pressure of having to think or say something in response.
- If, and as it often happens, they are part of a bigger friendship group then I force myself to be mature enough that not everyone will feel as I do and that their friendship with others need not end because of me. However, I make it clear that my stuff will not and should not be shared with the ex-pal.
Have you ever ended a friendship? How did you do it and did you and the pal make up?
When something is put aside for more important things.
In my twenties and thirties I have learnt that for some of my friends I have made them priorities where I am a back burner friend. The one who gets cancelled on or is on the second group of wedding invites. Equally, I have some back burner friends too 😦
About So Long a Letter
About Dear Ijeawele
In March and April I read these two letters between female friends. Both of them touch of womanhood and issues of feminism which although books are written almost four decades apart, are still so relevant and applicable to the plight of women. All in all, they are both great books so I will talk about the common themes that struck a note with me.
- Maintain your identity that is separate from your role as a mother, a wife, a sister-in-law. Maintain that single identity and I would even venture to say, keep pursuing those interests you have and love to do.
- Make your partner a full partner. From Dear Ijeawele, this is quite obvious and self-explanatory. From So Long …. it’s not quite obvious but I like Aissatou (the friend)’s response when her husband married a second wife, she held him immediately accountable and left the marriage. Many called her names and wished something else of her but she held him accountable and did what she had to do.
- Both authors talk about centering marriage in the right place as a nice to have/do but not the penultimate accomplishment. Marriage is neither good nor bad, but how we aspire to it could be.
- Both writers caution each other against assigning certain roles to male or female children and the assumptions we make or impute. The future is not one where boys (girls) can do certain things that girls (boys) cannot. Also the language that we use when we explain the roles and responsibilities to kids also matters a lot.
The entire letter is an ode to female friendship which I totally loved and would therefore recommend both books. You can easily get through both in a single sitting or weekend.
Posted in books, Heart matters, marriage, Motherhood/ Parenting
Tagged books, Books reading, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Dear Ijeawele, female bonding, female friendship, friendship, letters, Mariam Ba, So Long a Letter
I have a friend who is a maverick at making friends. One on one, she seems incredibly shy but I love her attitude to making friends and how deliberate she is about it all. So when I think to myself that I would like to make friends, I always think of some kind of organised activity that brings people together on the regular.
When I think of this though I always wonder how I would go about starting one because it involves putting myself out there in some way or another which is not exactly my thing. But, if / when I get over this hurdle, these are some things I would like to do:
- Listen to a key podcast each month and then meet and discuss
- Start an article club – pick a Longread article and then chat about it
- Pick a cuisine and then assign various parts of the meal (starter, protein, desserts, salad) to different people and thus have a supper club or a cookbook club if you are fancier.
- Good old Book club
- Board games with a group of friends, I really have mine eye on this one.
- A cheese/ wine tasting club.
Do you live in Joburg, would you be keen to do any of this with me and meet some new people?
Posted in Heart matters, life
Tagged book club, Books reading, cooking, female bonding, female friendship, friends, friendship, host friends, Podcasts, Things to do around Joburg
The finalists for the 2018 Caine Prize for African Writing were announced earlier this week. The Caine Prize for African Writing is a registered charity whose aim is to bring African writing to a wider audience using our annual literary award. The finalists hail from Kenya :), South Africa and Nigeria and here are their short stories:
I wanna challenge myself to read them all and then guess which one will win. Join me?
- A great cup of tea – my sister recently got me some passion and lime tea from Kenya and it is YUM!
- Long lazy weekends.
- Discovering a lovely little restaurant and liking it.
- Church services at 12 O’clock in the Fall/ Winter months.
- One-on-one heartfelt chats with friends.
What about you?