Still true / Happy first son

A Year of Motherhood / Baby Turns One

I have also learnt that a second child confirms your status as a mother. First time round you can feel like it was a fluke it was NOT. I am still best placed to care for this child with the added bonus that you now get to experience it and enjoy it because I know I can do it. Second time round it feels like the months and days went by SO fast. Also, you get to appreciate the sibling relationship firsthand as it develops and grows. It has been quite the adjustment but worthwhile.

Happy birthday baby 🙂

Sunday Reads

• We all know the monobloc plastic chair, right?
• Would you rather questions for couples?
• Sleep training should be my side hustle, really!!
• Wall Pilates sounds fun and cheap.
• The Best Pilates Exercises To Do Every Day, According To Trainers
• Raising financially savvy kids
• The actual cost of breastfeeding
• What is motherhood imposter syndrome?

Recipes

• The most amazing canned tuna pasta
• Zucchini Recipes
• Chicken And Rice
• Various Spinach Recipes

Sunday Reads

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

• You don’t have to be the perfect parent—be the parent you want them to remember
• What Is After-School Restraint Collapse And How To Help Your Kid
• Moms are the ‘default parent’ because we live in a patriarchy
• Better than a baby shower, me thinks 🙂
• 78 Questions For Couples to Help Get to Know Each Other Better
• Dealing with the mental load of parenting (besides SCREAMING and being passive aggressive)
• 6 strategies that will make you a better reader — and person. I especially like #1, when I stopped reading books I did not enjoy, my life was immediately transformed.

Recipes

• Family-friendly batch meals
• Tender ox-tail
• Vegetable Biryani
• Shrimp recipes
• Yummy yummy yummy Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream
• Enchilladas with lovely sauce

Our love is safe

Talking of love yesterday made me reflect on the type of love I have with my Mr and why it is the perfect love for me/us.

Photo by Noelle Otto on Pexels.com

Very early on when we were dating we had a discussion and decided that while we felt we could marry each other we probably needed a longer dating period to confirm this decision. So each year since then, we would discuss whether we were both committed to continuing with each other. Even now on our anniversary dinner, we still ask each other this question as well as reflecting on the past year and dreams for the next.

More than this though was the fact that very early on, he was very clear in his intentions but he also went out of his way to accompany his words with actions. And this meant so much to me especially given the last two people I had liked who couldn’t be bothered with decency. So, our love is thoughtful, not about fireworks but stability – which I have learnt is a value that means so much to me – but it is true to both our characters.

How would you describe your love?

Of Crushes and the Bible

I grew up in Church and mostly attended Christian schools right until I completed my Undergraduate studies. So obviously when I started feeling attracted to boys, the Bible somehow also came in.

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  Photo by Joshua McKnight on Pexels.com

I am currently doing this study of Philippians with a friend and was reminded of this guy whom I had a crush on and would frequently send him this verse:

I thank my God every time I remember you.

Philippians 1:3

As I have since learnt, it was so out of context but boy did each text message always end in this verse and how thrilled it made me (and I hope him) feel.

Greet one another with a holy kiss.

2 Corinthians 13:12

Urgggh to be young and silly again.

Lockdown Lesson 1

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This being Day 8902 of lockdown (not really, it’s Day 54 here) and working remotely as we take care of the 14-month old. I wanted to share the one thing I have learnt about my Mr and new work mate:

He is really passionate about his work. He is genial and well liked and regarded by his workmates. They really respect him too. He is also very serious when at work. Less positively, he hates to do any kind of project admin. Oh and his day involves being in so many meetings / calls.

It’s been interesting to see this side of him as the last time we worked so closely together was back at Varsity.

What have you learnt about yourself or your partner / housemate(s) as you worked from home? If you and your partner regularly work from home, what have you learnt from each other at this time?

A Year of Motherhood / Baby Turns One

In person, these feelings and reflections on the past year are mostly joyful but definitely extremely emotional. I cannot put into words what this year has been like but I would like to try.

1. Motherhood takes a village. You can do it alone but it is so much better when shared with people you love and trust and with whom you can point your children towards. A pal of mine shared with me that you need four or five people that you trust enough to say to your kid if you cannot talk to me about anything, you can speak to ….. I definitely have those people, both in family and friends.
2. Pregnancy takes a toll on you the mother and it takes a while for your body to adjust, both physically, emotionally, hormonally and just. Be patient with yourself also, don’t stress too much about your looks.
3. A baby’s personality develops at birth, observe and work with that.
4. A friend told me about a mothers’ instinct at my baby shower and I was doubtful. It is true that it does kick in and that I am the best person equipped to be her mother. No one can be a better mom than me.
5. The dynamics of your relationship shift significantly. Talk about it, review where you both are/ how you are feeling and to discuss. Little people can otherwise impose a lot of pressure on your relationship.
6. Having a baby helped me refine how much I love people. I also finally understood how much my mom loves me. If she loves me even a little of what I feel for her then I am loved. I also know what it means when I miss someone because I sometimes miss her so much my heart and body actually aches. How does my mom cope?
7. I learnt that I can be efficient with my time. I commit better to things immediately. I can function with little to no sleep.

 

This could be our love story

Wives also need to get Wives

Husbands/ fathers/ partners are good but we all need wives.

Values I admire in my Partner

In this case, my partner. What do I love most about him? There are so many things, but I had to list the top three:

• His devotion to family. I don’t think we would work so well if we did not have this in common or if we were not assured of the others commitment to their family and therefore each other.
• His ambition and work ethic. Outside of myself and my female friends, he is easily the most driven and hard working person that I know. I suspect that he even works harder than me, always gives 150% of himself, always, every day.
• His ability to chill. He is the perfect epitome of work hard and play hard. And to be honest, I need that because even when we go on holiday, I usually have 10,000 things planned and he is OK to do only one thing a day.
• Lastly, I know said three, but this must be said, his relationship with money. His aversion for credit, his desire to save, his eye on the long-term. All of this and more.

What do you love most about your significant other?

 

Sunday Reads

• Would you keep a journal of all your failures?
• Why is Cape Town so cliquey?
• Please read this post on church planting and then listen to This America’s Life podcast on the same.
• I’d also love to know my family history but what if it yields such a negative story?
• How did you know your person is the one?
• Each of us has elements of being a people pleaser.
• …. because I love talking about #2’s
• This list talks of the world but glaringly omits Africa.
• I love these book club recommendations and the fact that I have read so many of them already. Nice!!

Recipes

• Quick weeknight dinners coz we all need those at some point or another.
• I love potato salad but I hate the creaminess of mayo and that’s absent in this recipe.
• Another yummy pasta recipe.
• .. and another set of recipes.
• Blueberry ice cream for the soul.

caucacity 

Something done with the audacity of white privilege.

An act showing little compassion towards people of color.

 

Our Fighting Fair Tip

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Rule One

So when the Mr and I have a misunderstanding and it looks like it might hit the proverbial fan., the party that does not feel as strongly does not escalate it. How?

Recently, we were traveling, I had mapped out the route and knew what station we needed to get off at to board the connecting train when the Mr decides to change the route halfway. So we get off and the map shows we need to walk five streets to catch the train and I lost my gasket. I was so pissed off, 1) we were running late for a flight, 2) where were you when I was staying up the whole night to get the route? To give him credit though, he just kept on the task at hand and did not engage with my anger or my threats to get us a route ASAP.

This works for us and it is not prescriptive but it saves us from saying what we might later regret or descending into a shouting fit with each other.

Rule Two

If someone needs time to cool off, to think or process, we allow it and the other does not pressure them to discuss it at that time. However much time you need to, take it. Often we continue to engage on other matters as normal and either you don’t feel as strongly later or you have had the room to process why you felt so strongly or couldn’t engage.

Rule Three

I know they say not to do this, but it’s OK to sleep angry every so often. Sometimes it’s safer and better that way. Of course this can lead to silent treatment which is not great but eventually gets resolved.

Rule Four

No name-calling. EVER.

What rules do you and your significant live by when it comes to conflict resolution?

 

 

You and I Always and Again

A friend sent me this article earlier today and it provided me with another answer to the type of love that we have. In particular when I saw this quote:

I know I am not owed love. I also wonder sometimes if I don’t know what love actually feels like, since so many grown men have told me it’s been missing from our relationships. (One came back a year later and said, “Oh wow, I did not realize that I loved you when we dated, I am so sorry.”)

In response I would say that our love is secure and I know that I am loved for who I am and in all different versions of myself, the best and the not so great. 

I Knew I was Married When …

1. We unpacked our wedding gifts and as we reminisced about the little parts of the wedding.
2. I went back to living with my sister and nephew and something was missing and I knew it was the Mr.
3. My family would ask whether I had checked with the Mr before doing …
4. His aunts would thank me for all sorts of things.
5. His family would ask after me when he went for family stuff solo.
6. It just made sense to clarify our plans before committing us socially.
7. We hosted our first set of people at our first place.

Some days are better than others but most times I do feel married and I can’t even say what it is that makes it more than just when we were dating.

 

Sunday Reads

• Speaking up for someone that can’t.
• God can bring us through tough times.
• Travelling while black and female.
• Laying aside insincerity.
• Creating a village to bring up a child.
• Cooking with zucchini: here and here 
• Salad dressing recipes.

Happy Anniversary /Ode to Marriage

Today marks our third-year anniversary and I am not sure what it is about marriage that makes each year feel tougher and harder than the previous one yet the returns are just as fulfilling. I love being married and I love my husband and even after all these years together (nine this year) I am still remarkably happy that we are together. He is certainly my person.

What have I learnt so far?

• Communication, yes, it’s great and truly the key. Half of communication however is being mindful of how you deliver the message. It is possible through how and when you say something to break the other person or get a response that you were not prepared for. True Story.
• Regarding in-laws, that can be managed. There is a happy coexistence that you can attain. A fine line between respect for them and firm boundaries for your relationship. Also, one of the ladies that spoke to me before I got married reminded me that I can never be the best daughter in law and so I should not work on that but focus on being respectful.
• Marriage is better when you have a crowd with whom you experience it together. This calls to mind mentors, other happily married couples of all ages and even people that are dating and hoping to also settle down. Being surrounded by happy couples in different seasons of life keeps you connected and encouraged to strive more within your marriage.
• The move to the Mother City was also beneficial because it helped us build a firm foundation for this new phase of our relationship and to help the “crowd” around us begin to see us as a unit and to respect that.
• Though we had known each other since our early twenties, we only got married in our late twenties and in the last three years we have spent a lot of time integrating our single lives into our new entity. In true us style, this has involved a lot of “business” meetings to plan, dream, forecast and review our future plan. Although we are closer now than when we started we are still not done. Urggh.
• My husband is my best male friend and probably someone outside of my family that knows me best BUT having said that, I still believe it is important to keep other friendships going strong in your lives and to continue to meet new people and maintain old friendships. This is important because of the “crowd” I spoke of earlier but also the fact that when we interact with other people it draws out another side of you and also allows you to miss your partner that you look forward to seeing them.

Having said all the above, it is a fact that marriage is work. You only reap what you put in. Also, that both of you must work on it or the other party eventually gets worn out and might lash out. Each year has brought us something additional to work through / focus on and that has been interesting and kept us both connected.

What will I work on this year?

Firstly, on the words I use. I know that as a wife, I can either build him up / tear him down and I have to be very careful not to do the latter. Secondly, in the Love Dare  the authors speak of  guarding one self against spending time in your mate’s depreciation room. This is basically the place where we keep stock of all of his bad traits and all those things you do not like about him. I also have a depreciation room that he could dwell on but that won’t take us anywhere if we both fixate on it. Lastly, to work on making more couple friends and hanging out with those we currently have.

In closing, one piece of advice we received that I always remember is that marriage is what you make of it. Just as no two marriages are the same, you can get out of yours the things that you want and that works for the two of you despite what other people out there might feel/ have to say.

So here’s to many more and loads of love.

 

A Relationship I Still Love

All of this week I am thinking a lot about relationships and one long-term one that I have is with my dreadlocks.

After seven and a half years, I really really still love my hair. It is now waist-length and just as exciting as when it was first locked. After all these years, I still get excited at having my hair washed, twisted and then styled. Before that I delight myself by looking at pictures online and choosing an appropriate style and then looking forward to the big reveal at the salon. When I see someone with dreadlocks that either have a style I would like, that are dyed beautifully, longer and sometimes even shorter than mine but just look so good, I get the worst dread envy.

And all of the above is how I know that I made the best move and I still don’t regret it. Nah, nope, I am still good. CONFESSION: Come Summer, I do want to trim them slightly shorter, just an itsy bitsy bit.

In the meantime, below are some styles I am looking forward to in the next couple of months.

For a wedding or special date night

I love the braid at the front, it elevates an otherwise boring style

I love the take on the traditional morehawk – but a part of me keeps thinking of the weight on your head.

Failed relationships bring us such great music

Sunday Reads

• Great job Zanzibar!! But how many people aged over 70?
• This is true, how we often judge women’s decisions.
• Are you a texter, or a talker? I am definitely a texter except for with family and certain close pals.
• This is a gorgeous home!!
• A bit of language but imagine if you had to sign language interpretation for Snoop Dogg.
• So MUCH goes into publishing a cookbook. Also, how if you cannot negotiate a good deal you could end up broke.
• Something about this letter correspondence broke me.
• I still believe that marriage is between one man and one woman.
• .. and more thoughts on open marriages here.
• This is true of what is driving many societies today.
• How to show your faith at the workplace.

Recipes

• Toasted Pumpkin Seed Dip with Fresh Herbs

Sunday Reads

• BEST piece on the Dolezal woman!!
• I also loved this essay on how fallible our icons are, including sob Chimamanda.
• What separates great from average people?
• Sounds like an interesting podcast episode.
• A colleague is going through a break-up and this was a great read to share. This too.
• Feel fear but act anyway.
• I’d have a similar reaction when my boss walks in on me reading non-work stuff.
• This article put into context the French election happening today.
• Dying or being enslaved to get to Europe.
• Senegal remains on my to-visit list.
• 8 book recommendations for your father.

 Recipes:

• I love a good lassi.
• Placing vegetables in the centre of your meals.