Posted in Heart matters, home, Motherhood/ Parenting
Tagged advice, body issue, books, Books reading, house, language, marriage, relationship advice, Sunday Reads
So when the Mr and I have a misunderstanding and it looks like it might hit the proverbial fan., the party that does not feel as strongly does not escalate it. How?
Recently, we were traveling, I had mapped out the route and knew what station we needed to get off at to board the connecting train when the Mr decides to change the route halfway. So we get off and the map shows we need to walk five streets to catch the train and I lost my gasket. I was so pissed off, 1) we were running late for a flight, 2) where were you when I was staying up the whole night to get the route? To give him credit though, he just kept on the task at hand and did not engage with my anger or my threats to get us a route ASAP.
This works for us and it is not prescriptive but it saves us from saying what we might later regret or descending into a shouting fit with each other.
If someone needs time to cool off, to think or process, we allow it and the other does not pressure them to discuss it at that time. However much time you need to, take it. Often we continue to engage on other matters as normal and either you don’t feel as strongly later or you have had the room to process why you felt so strongly or couldn’t engage.
I know they say not to do this, but it’s OK to sleep angry every so often. Sometimes it’s safer and better that way. Of course this can lead to silent treatment which is not great but eventually gets resolved.
No name-calling. EVER.
What rules do you and your significant live by when it comes to conflict resolution?
Today marks our third-year anniversary and I am not sure what it is about marriage that makes each year feel tougher and harder than the previous one yet the returns are just as fulfilling. I love being married and I love my husband and even after all these years together (nine this year) I am still remarkably happy that we are together. He is certainly my person.
What have I learnt so far?
- Communication, yes, it’s great and truly the key. Half of communication however is being mindful of how you deliver the message. It is possible through how and when you say something to break the other person or get a response that you were not prepared for.
- Regarding in-laws, that can be managed. There is a happy coexistence that you can attain. A fine line between respect for them and firm boundaries for your relationship. Also, one of the ladies that spoke to me before I got married reminded me that I can never be the best daughter in law and so I should not work on that but focus on being respectful.
- Marriage is better when you have a crowd with whom you experience it together. This calls to mind mentors, other happily married couples of all ages and even people that are dating and hoping to also settle down. Being surrounded by happy couples in different seasons of life keeps you connected and encouraged to strive more within your marriage.
- The move to the Mother City was also beneficial because it helped us build a firm foundation for this new phase of our relationship and to help the “crowd” around us begin to see us as a unit and to respect that.
- Though we had known each other since our early twenties, we only got married in our late twenties and in the last three years we have spent a lot of time integrating our single lives into our new entity. In true us style, this has involved a lot of “business” meetings to plan, dream, forecast and review our future plan. Although we are closer now than when we started we are still not done. Urggh.
- My husband is my best male friend and probably someone outside of my family that knows me best BUT having said that, I still believe it is important to keep other friendships going strong in your lives and to continue to meet new people and maintain old friendships. This is important because of the “crowd” I spoke of earlier but also the fact that when we interact with other people it draws out another side of you and also allows you to miss your partner that you look forward to seeing them.
Having said all the above, it is a fact that marriage is work. You only reap what you put in. Also, that both of you must work on it or the other party eventually gets worn out and might lash out. Each year has brought us something additional to work through / focus on and that has been interesting and kept us both connected.
What will I work on this year?
Firstly, on the words I use. I know that as a wife, I can either build him up / tear him down and I have to be very careful not to do the latter. Secondly, in the Love Dare the authors speak of guarding one self against spending time in your mate’s depreciation room. This is basically the place where we keep stock of all of his bad traits and all those things you do not like about him. I also have a depreciation room that he could dwell on but that won’t take us anywhere if we both fixate on it. Lastly, to work on making more couple friends and hanging out with those we currently have.
In closing, one piece of advice we received that I always remember is that marriage is what you make of it. Just as no two marriages are the same, you can get out of yours the things that you want and that works for the two of you despite what other people out there might feel/ have to say.
So here’s to many more and loads of love.
Posted in Heart matters, home, marriage
Tagged about us, Cape Town, communication, friendship, in-laws, love, marriage, planning, relationship advice, relationships, Three Years
Relationships are not easy. Conflicts are a side effect of all relationships and sometimes it’s all about the perspective we select.
This Hippo advert provides serious fodder for a pre-marital class. Husbands never want to hear they are nothing like your father or wives that you wish she could be more like your mom.
Hilarious ad though that captures the message adequately!
Other adverts available here and here.
- Quick lunch/snack recipe: Chickpea “tuna” salad
- Cooking with lentils & beans
- Don’t really like vegetarian burgers but these lentil meatballs sure look yum!
- This article made me realise why people do not share the names of their babys before birth, but clearly once they are born, the name is not safe either!!
- Pics of the beautiful Cape Town.
- Beautiful pics of the Festima Festival in Burkina Faso.
- Some non-traditional baby gift ideas.
- Breaking up is hard. Breaking up in the day of Facebook, is something else altogether.(NY Times Article)
- A better way to think of your to-do list.
- Get Tested. Be Faithful. Remain Faithful. Otherwise, always use protection.
- On buying friendship in Japan. Read this and thanked God for my genuine (free) friendships.
- This lady did what I always say to my single pals about putting themselves out there in order to meet a guy!
- Sad that the recently legalised Marijuana business in the states has a colour preference.
- How do you feel about motherhood?
Posted in design, Heart matters, life
Tagged AIDS, break-up, Burkina Faso, Cape Town, cooking, design, Facebook, friendship, gifts, Heart matters, Japan, life, lists, motherhood, parenthood, racism, recipes, relationship advice
At the tender age of 14, I read this article and it formed a large part of any relationship advice I live by and what I would readily dish out to anyone who asked. That is:
- Don’t say, “I love you,” unless you really mean it.
- Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
- Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it’s the only way to live life completely.
- In disagreements, fight fair. No name calling.
- Don’t judge people by their relatives.
- When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, good conversation will be one of the principal elements of an enduring relationship.
My utter best and the only one I ever care to share? Number 7. For me, friendship makes dating someone that bit easier and helps in those instances when things feel like a bit of a drudge.