So when the Mr and I have a misunderstanding and it looks like it might hit the proverbial fan., the party that does not feel as strongly does not escalate it. How?
Recently, we were traveling, I had mapped out the route and knew what station we needed to get off at to board the connecting train when the Mr decides to change the route halfway. So we get off and the map shows we need to walk five streets to catch the train and I lost my gasket. I was so pissed off, 1) we were running late for a flight, 2) where were you when I was staying up the whole night to get the route? To give him credit though, he just kept on the task at hand and did not engage with my anger or my threats to get us a route ASAP.
This works for us and it is not prescriptive but it saves us from saying what we might later regret or descending into a shouting fit with each other.
If someone needs time to cool off, to think or process, we allow it and the other does not pressure them to discuss it at that time. However much time you need to, take it. Often we continue to engage on other matters as normal and either you don’t feel as strongly later or you have had the room to process why you felt so strongly or couldn’t engage.
I know they say not to do this, but it’s OK to sleep angry every so often. Sometimes it’s safer and better that way. Of course this can lead to silent treatment which is not great but eventually gets resolved.
No name-calling. EVER.
What rules do you and your significant live by when it comes to conflict resolution?
A friend sent me this article earlier today and it provided me with another answer to the type of love that we have. In particular when I saw this quote:
I know I am not owed love. I also wonder sometimes if I don’t know what love actually feels like, since so many grown men have told me it’s been missing from our relationships. (One came back a year later and said, “Oh wow, I did not realize that I loved you when we dated, I am so sorry.”)
In response I would say that our love is secure and I know that I am loved for who I am and in all different versions of myself, the best and the not so great.
- We unpacked our wedding gifts and as we reminisced about the little parts of the wedding.
- I went back to living with my sister and nephew and something was missing and I knew it was the Mr.
- My family would ask whether I had checked with the Mr before doing …
- His aunts would thank me for all sorts of things.
- His family would ask after me when he went for family stuff solo.
- It just made sense to clarify our plans before committing us socially.
- We hosted our first set of people at our first place.
Some days are better than others but most times I do feel married and I can’t even say what it is that makes it more than just when we were dating.
Posted in Heart matters, home, marriage
Tagged about us, being married, dating, Expectations, family, growing up., growth, life, life lessons, love, marriage, relationships
I remember these cartoons from way back and how they made me feel. Like love was the most grown up thing I could think of because it was so out of my reach at the time. So each day I would look at them in the newspaper and imagine this thing called love and so here are a few things that demonstrate our love.
Our love is just us and these cartoons can’t even express but they try …
Posted in Heart matters, life, marriage
Tagged about us, authentic life, authentic living, authenticity, cartoons, first love, growing up., love, our love, US
I read this post where couples talk about the best part of their wedding. Three years on, the parts I loved best are:
- When the Priest placed our hand under his cassock and prayed the marital blessing upon us. More than when he prayed for the rings or pronounced us man and wife, this is the time I knew we were married and I felt God’s presence in our marriage.
- There is a picture of us talking about something so intense after the ceremony. I can’t remember what we were talking about but I love to think we were both excited and happy to be married.
- I have had the same WhatsApp profile pic since then because that was the first picture we took in our first house after the wedding. We stood in the bathroom replaying the day as I took off my make up then we decided to take a selfie and voila!
What about you, what parts of your wedding do you still remember and why are they so memorable?
PS: Please read the comments from the blog post, so darling and warm!!
Today marks our third-year anniversary and I am not sure what it is about marriage that makes each year feel tougher and harder than the previous one yet the returns are just as fulfilling. I love being married and I love my husband and even after all these years together (nine this year) I am still remarkably happy that we are together. He is certainly my person.
What have I learnt so far?
- Communication, yes, it’s great and truly the key. Half of communication however is being mindful of how you deliver the message. It is possible through how and when you say something to break the other person or get a response that you were not prepared for.
- Regarding in-laws, that can be managed. There is a happy coexistence that you can attain. A fine line between respect for them and firm boundaries for your relationship. Also, one of the ladies that spoke to me before I got married reminded me that I can never be the best daughter in law and so I should not work on that but focus on being respectful.
- Marriage is better when you have a crowd with whom you experience it together. This calls to mind mentors, other happily married couples of all ages and even people that are dating and hoping to also settle down. Being surrounded by happy couples in different seasons of life keeps you connected and encouraged to strive more within your marriage.
- The move to the Mother City was also beneficial because it helped us build a firm foundation for this new phase of our relationship and to help the “crowd” around us begin to see us as a unit and to respect that.
- Though we had known each other since our early twenties, we only got married in our late twenties and in the last three years we have spent a lot of time integrating our single lives into our new entity. In true us style, this has involved a lot of “business” meetings to plan, dream, forecast and review our future plan. Although we are closer now than when we started we are still not done. Urggh.
- My husband is my best male friend and probably someone outside of my family that knows me best BUT having said that, I still believe it is important to keep other friendships going strong in your lives and to continue to meet new people and maintain old friendships. This is important because of the “crowd” I spoke of earlier but also the fact that when we interact with other people it draws out another side of you and also allows you to miss your partner that you look forward to seeing them.
Having said all the above, it is a fact that marriage is work. You only reap what you put in. Also, that both of you must work on it or the other party eventually gets worn out and might lash out. Each year has brought us something additional to work through / focus on and that has been interesting and kept us both connected.
What will I work on this year?
Firstly, on the words I use. I know that as a wife, I can either build him up / tear him down and I have to be very careful not to do the latter. Secondly, in the Love Dare the authors speak of guarding one self against spending time in your mate’s depreciation room. This is basically the place where we keep stock of all of his bad traits and all those things you do not like about him. I also have a depreciation room that he could dwell on but that won’t take us anywhere if we both fixate on it. Lastly, to work on making more couple friends and hanging out with those we currently have.
In closing, one piece of advice we received that I always remember is that marriage is what you make of it. Just as no two marriages are the same, you can get out of yours the things that you want and that works for the two of you despite what other people out there might feel/ have to say.
So here’s to many more and loads of love.
Posted in Heart matters, home, marriage
Tagged about us, Cape Town, communication, friendship, in-laws, love, marriage, planning, relationship advice, relationships, Three Years
I consume a lot of stuff online or on television and I know that the stuff I like best is anything that I can read and feel in some ways that it represents my inner voice. Like what you ask?
- Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls. In many ways she is my inner voice from when I was 16 until now at 32 – she is what the inner me wants to be.
- Cup of Jo. This blog is what I wish that my own little corner of the internet would grow up to be.
- Call your Girlfriend. This podcast reminds me of conversations I would have with my best gal pal and sans the cursing. As the tag line promises, it is the podcast for long distance besties which we happen to be.
- Julia Braverman and her family because I REALLY loved the show Parenthood.
- Tamar and Vince. Something about this show reminds me of the Mr and I . I also say that Tamar is the inner last born I always wish my family allowed me to be.
- Randal and Beth Pearson from This is Us is another portrayal of how I think the Mr and I relate to each other. If ever there was a couple on TV that I would happily squeal #Relationshipgoals it would be them.
And you, who/ what represents that inner voice?
Posted in Heart matters
Tagged about us, blogs i like, Call Your Girlfriend, Cup of Jo, friendship, Gilmore Girls, marriage, parenthood, Podcasts, Relationship Goals, Tamar Braxton, This is Us, TV
This blog has slowly become a firm favourite. I thought this was a whimsical post but it definitely gave me ideas of how to prepare our guest room when we have visitors.
What do I currently do?
Growing up, my mom always made us pack a towel a face cloth and other personal items we might require when we go visiting. I have slowly learnt that not everyone packs these so I have since had to include guest towels when I prepare the room.
I also ensure the guests have a set of keys and boy does knowing that there is extra toilet paper help a tonne.
I also stock the house with food and then on the second or third night when the guests arrive, I take them along to the shops so they can shop for food and personal effects that they might need that I do no have in the house – it certainly helps guests to feel at home. This and knowing where the breakfast cereals, tea and coffee is in the house.
From this post, I have since learnt to include the following items for that home away from home feel.
- A luggage rack, I read this and the simplicity but indulgence of it made me happy.
- A mirror so that guests can prep themselves once they get up.
- A box of tissues.
- Clearing out shelf and hanging space and providing a few hangers for use
- Stocking up the sugar bowl – I don’t add sugar to my tea/coffee so it’s an
issue to remember that other do.
How do you prepare yourself to host guests?
I recently read a post about things you would change of your wedding. I loved my wedding and though, mhhh nothing. On second thought, I do know some things I would do differently:
- I would have worn blue or yellow shoes, just because I could.
- I would have insisted the DJ play more Kenyan music.
- As a guest book, I had wanted to buy a new bible and ask people to sign against their favourite verses as a prayer for us the new couple.
- To ensure that all my plans were accomplished and our families could relax and enjoy, I should have paid for a day-of-the-wedding coordinator.
- I still would not have any kids on the line up.
Are there any changes you would have made to your wedding? Why?
This morning the Mr and I had a little fight. I had to take my car for a service – something that in my horror, totally feels like a dentist’s visit what with the information asymmetry, pain (actual and to the wallet) and the fact that there is a specialist whom you trust but then again, information asymmetry. At the root of the fight though is that ugly word: Expectations.
Any one about to be married, or married for a day and an hour will long have heard the mantra that expectations kill a marriage and that the counter is communicate, communicate, communicate. Our little fight had me reassessing all the different expectations that I had regarding marriage and an assessment of all other expectations I have held since our marriage started.
- I expected a partner that would take charge of cars and who would directly engage with mechanics and basically inform me when I needed to do any car-related changes.
- Ergo, any fixing of stuff around the house. I would highlight any issues and he would oversee to the fixing – whether directly or outsourced, I am ambivalent. To be honest, a lot of the technical stuff I was happy to delegate away.
- All newly weds are told that they need to set time for date night or else … Consequently, I too came into marriage with this (fear-driven) expectation and very early on we both figured out that given the pace of our lives it would be infeasible to designate a specific evening to always hang out. Having said that, when one of us is hectic, there is no expectation to do stuff but when things simmer down, we often hang out.
- My family has a habit of starting to plan for Christmas from as early as August/September. His family? Not so much. Initially this made me feel slightly helpless. Besides the family tradition, my personality is such that, you can never be too prepared OR start preparing too early. What we now try and do to incorporate both our idiosyncrasies is to have a lose discussion in September and refine it in the following months. This is certainly imperfect (according to me) but it definitely helps somewhat.
- I thought that I would hate meal planning. Turns out, I love it.
- Sometimes as wives we expect that our husbands will become our best (female) buddy. That’s not the case and surely it’s not the reason that we fell in love to begin with. So keep your buddies and work on building a friendship with your husband too.
- Before the wedding I had heard of brides that often felt a bit sad after the wedding because things had gone back to “normal”. Did I feel the same way? Emphatically, NO!! After the energy and time spent planning the wedding, I was only too happy to settle for normal.
I must say these lessons are over and above learning how selfish I am, how much space and time alone I require. All of that. Marriage is certainly not the penultimate goal, neither is it my most defining relationship but I must say I have learnt a lot and it has been very fulfilling for me.
Posted in Heart matters, marriage
Tagged about me, about us, conflict, date night, friendship, in-laws, love, marriage, meal planning, planning, relationships, Wedding
One of the things that I thought would happen with marriage is that we would automatically become part of a group of other couples and we would often hang out and as the babies came, they would all grow up together. Why is this important for me? Well, I believe that as a couple, it is important to have a community that you can learn from and you can be open with. Not the entire world but some people that hold you both accountable and keep you both encouraged in this game of marriage.
Two years later, I can’t really say this has been the case.
If I think about our friendship cycle, we have either had that one couple that always invites us over to theirs and that we have occasionally hosted or the ones we always invite to ours/ out to dinner but upon our initiation and not theirs. Very binary. We are both really puzzled as to how other couples go about befriending other couples. Where are the best kinds of places/activities to meet and interact? In the past, we have invited people for dinner or lunch but it has tended to revolve around food. Another possible place is church but our local church has less than 40 people (clergy included) and is very old. Where else?
Who would our ideal couple be? This has been the toughest bit in truth. As we have no kids this rules out the flexibility of having another couple with one or two kids in tow to pop by at random. With single people, we have observed that they sometimes project third wheel vybes when we hang together. Which means that we either chill with our single pals separately or host few people sporadically. Our ideal couple would be similar in age, committed to being married and fairly authentic – separately and jointly as a couple.
So, have you got a couple pal? How did you meet and what is the benefit to you to dating/being married and having a crowd of witnesses?
For the longest time I have wanted to try my hand at updating an old post.
A colleague gave me John Legend’s Album to listen to the other day and it just made me wonder! Its really nice and it just made me wonder,is any of that stuff for real? That whole chick when I see you, I feel …. or what, do people really do that? Do they really feel that way about someone else? I have caught myself wondering how two people meet, fall in love and STAY that way? Isn’t that just the greatest mystery of all time- My folks have been together for 33 years and I just wonder at the resilience of that whole thing? How does that work? Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely loyal but to what end? This is why I don’t listen to R n B coz for me,it just isn’t about the beat BUT the words as well!
I wrote this post nine years ago, very single and obviously questioning the whole notion of love. It also doesn’t help that I was only 22 years old at the time.I obviously don’t have the answers but I think maturity has brought some comfort and some clarity.
Is love real? Yes, absolutely and definitely. I think at the time, I had never fallen in love or fallen for someone that loved me back, honestly and authentically which accounts for all the doubt and the skepticism.
Love is real.
Love I have come to discover is what works for two people that are committed to one another and who wish to to continue to be committed. Love is in the little things. Love is the opposite of apathy. Love is a process. Before I planned my wedding, I thought I loved my husband but then we went through the wedding planning process and moving cities and all the other countless things we have experienced together and I discovered I love him more now than 8 years ago. Love matures and love develops. Love has to be based on something or it can shrivel and die. Love glorifies God and inspires other people to also believe in God and that they could also love like that.
Love is what works for the two concerned people.
This is a working list that I will probably keep editing and referring to.
- Dinner Date at Home
- Series / movies marathon – Our favourite Series are: Modern Family, Empire, Scandal, Suits.
- Go on walks around your neighbourhood.
- Explore the restaurants in your local neighbourhood.
- Massages at home and professionally.
- Learn a new hobby or activity together.
- Play board games.
- Talk through stuff both the profound and the simple things. Talk.
What do you and your loved one enjoying doing together?
Went to a fancy Stellenbosch restaurant for lunch with the Mr this past weekend and this is what I had.
Below see some pins that have been getting some love on my different Pinterest boards.
I love their glasses first of all and then the beautiful locs styles – low maintenance but stylish!
I loved the curls and the size of the locs.
This actually challenged me to colour coordinate my bookshelf. So beautiful!
I would cut my hair this short if I got bored of my locs.
I love Nidhi’s cartoons and I love how she expresses love between herself and her husband. ❤
Posted in design, Heart matters
Tagged about us, design, dreadlocks, dreads, hair, Heart matters, home, home decor, love, Pinterest
This year I fired the Mr from Valentines Day and decided to plan a three course in-house dinner for the both of us. #iSlayedV-Day. I totally did. I obviously took no pictures but below is the selected menu.
Warm winter greens with Ceasar dressing, smoked bacon and a poached egg.
Steak au Poivre, Creamy lentils with rosemary and tomatoes and sauteed rosemary and garlic potatoes.
Poached pear with lemon sorbet
I used Rachel Allen’s Entertaining at Home for inspiration.
Posted in books, design, Heart matters, home, marriage
Tagged about us, books, cooking, design, food, Heart matters, home, marriage, recipes, relationships, Valentines Day
…. this is a list of things I have to do!
Fun times ahead …. xoxo
I love this lady’s artwork – Nidhi Chanani and have shared about that previously. I love her work because it reminds me of the Mr and all the stuff that makes us meaningful so enjoy these pics. Her work is available here.
So carefree …
Nothing a hug can’t fix
I would rather be caught in the rain with you
Enjoy and let your loved one know you love them, today, tomorrow, always ❤
Posted in Heart matters, life, marriage
Tagged about us, artwork, friendship, Heart matters, life, love, marriage, Nidhi Chanani, relationships