first hand accounts of a former homebody

Im feeling quite despondent at this point in time- i want to go home and lie down and have my Mummy rub my head and tell me that it will be all ok,even when i know it might not be. I want release, i need it, i crave it- false affirmation right now couldnt be better you know! its too much for a little girl you know!

in BSF, we are doing the study of Christs last week and this week, was the bit where HE goes into the garden to pray just before HE goes to be killed for you and me, at the point where HE says HE is so filled with sorrow unto the point of death- I wondered to myself what was God doing at that point in Heaven? did HE cry, did HE look, what did HE feel, you know? the agony of it all and the pain as a parent…yo!

this sato is world homophobic awareness day or something nasty like that! so all, grab a gay, lesbian or other therein and give them a big smoooooochy? love a brother wont you? But seriously, before coming to SA, this would have been a joke lakini sasa…. this classmate of mine i was so sure was a man, a small man with a soft voice but one nevertheless, then one day he gives his name as Regina something or other! shock! nikajua hapa, kumethoka mbaya! So it seems she is a girl after all then…..

I read an article today and I was floored by how lucky I am. Who remembers their first love experience and how do the two compare? I dont think we can even begin to imagine!

I also came across these facts below: eat your hearts out. I hope!

All in a days work, innit? The figures are from the US and so ought to be taken with a pinch of salt!

I just finished reading this book and well, I was not dazzled! Not in the least!

Im also reading this one at this time and it made me rethink Economics and how we administer the deadly combination between it and Politics- i thought of a Masters dissertation while at it. chill pill, yeah?

I know im growing up and this I know because I’m learning to stop asking as many questions as i do- I’m glad for my parents and my family coz I have been allowed to ask questions that in hindsight have seemed that bit inappropriate but the space was created for me that allowed me to ask and even get answers. sadly, not everyone is family and wont keep humouring me as my family is wont to. I ask a lot of stuff and with one of my pals I was forced to ask myself exactly why I do that- I think I ask when the story doesn’t add up and their is some glaring half truth but no more coz I think it opens me up a lot and one can easily see what it is I’m thinking of. Moreso when I wont get an answer! Why do it to begin with? Why ask and be taken round in circles only to get no answer and then later be told that I’m not the easiest person to talk to. Im learning that I know little where friendships are concerned and maybe I don’t get it but I’m out of the race!

Do you have something in your life that you really love but whose memory is attached to something painful in your past?

My sister made me start running with her so this is us waking up early to do jogs around the house. We dont live on particularly flat ground if thats what you were thinking.NO! Its hilly and goes up and down when you need to be running and is flat when you walking. what kinaya is that?  our goal is to do 5 Kms in under 30 minutes by July

I have a Nigerian pal called F.! But anyway, she and her boyfriend will make me shoot one of them:  he is controlling and she wants to break up with him but doesnt want to be alone or to miss the stuff he buys for her and all that rubbish- he calls her like ten times in a school day mark you from about 8-5 there and if she doesnt take his calls… even during class hours! i told her to give him her timetable but that would make it worse- what if she doesnt pick up during her break? kiboko! i met him last week and i had to force myself to smile coz me i cant see what they are still doing together? i dont wanna know stuff about them coz is if he should wring her neck i might be forced to come and testify against him- DARN! i have a Ghanaian pal called N. who grew up in Botswana i know, how now? but she is cool, at least i got someone i can sit in class with and chuckle- so thats that

happiness for me couldnt come in more shades than this: the second semester timetable is out and i got NO classes on Wednesday so i can go back into BSF and do the study of the life of Moses that i have been lookinf forward to. THANKS LORD. ni wewe tu!

and of course i got my hair did and i feel ever so pretty

there are three things that i just cant wait for and im too ashamed to even say what.

1. Euro Cup starts on the 7th of June and go on until the 29th of June and my teams as usual would be the Czech Republic and Britain but the latter didnt make it and so this year, its France.
2. Big Brother Africa Three- that starts all the way in August.urgggg!
3. World Cup 2010 that will run from June 11th to 11th July. some 770 plus days

whats life without something to look forward to? NOTHING

Ok i hear that this chick is fifteen years old and she is covered in the June edition of this magazine and she is topless- at all of fifteen what was i doing? i definitely wasnt posing nude for nobody and would not have been paid enough to anyways and even then, if my mother had heard this- kiboko on the shameless man who would dare suggest this. Children today have it swell. or not.

i never got what this chick blogs about then today voila! je prend i have gotten it…

i watched the recent bond movie and its so true of Bond. James Bond. (aside: that movie was so hot- the opening scene? had to dry my wet palms so many times.good work) try again here though-

isn’t that true though? that for women, the more gray hair you have, the more respect you command? i didnt actually know the opposite is true for men? Sean Connery, Mel Gibson, Denzel Washington? coulda fooled me. now onto the harder bits and i guess to show how sets totally passed me by:

ok whats she saying? seriously? or here:

oh i get it… these are things that chicks will for all the time,ama? anyway, i think i might keep going back till i get it. and now im looking for fillers to make this the longest post ever- it aint working though.

just before i throw in the towel, i read this post here and it made me so upset.. tell me what you think of it all though

The poem i have been waiting for like mad.

Whititude - A.S. Bukenya

I envied his being Negro:
For there he was with his hardened face
That told of night and her mystery,
Of age and varied experience,
In shame, in fear, in joy, his hue the same,
Unlike my baby skin that told of all I felt.
And while I pitied him for being black,
I feared he had a depth unknown to me,
Which his darkness hid.

I love this poem because it best explains the race relations and then its the one poem in high school i actually got and i guess it resonates with me LOADS. Thanks.

enjoy….

why every time this week when i tried to help someone and do a really nice thing, all i have gotten is a swift kick in the bottom! not fair and i dont like it at all. Last lesson of BSF, we were looking at The Greatest Commandment and in the applications was the call to go out and love someone as you’d have them love you, eh,well….

on a lighter note, i wonder what other prison will Scoffield break out of next?

what they really dont tell you about South Africa is that monopoly is a joke and that their local KPLC, ESKOM, here had no plan. they watched us as we increased your consumption of electricity and now they are “rationing” or rather calling it the much prettier load shedding and this means that one week on Tuesday between Tuesday and Saturday 6-10 p.m. and then again the other week on Thursday at the same time, there is bila power! what in goodness name, huh? a friend of mine rightly put it, in the US of Africa? how can there be power in Kenya and then here, bilaz? What irks me is at the peak of Winter, i get that people will be using more power in these months to heat their homes and what but!!!!!! and then coz few homes have gas in them (they all wired for elec) it literally means, bila food- you cant even cook a meal and all that. SO ITS OUT OF THE CLOSET.

Watching Idols, I saw Angela give Scarr a kiss and it hit me, i utterly hate it when Africans kiss on telly. its eeeeek and someone ought to tell them you know! i know its ukoloni-mamboleo but i still think its disgusting and some.

Im done with my crazy assignments and what have you so I feel like i ought to be standing on the rooftolps and shouting like mad. off to do just that now……………

I had the opportunity to ask myself a few hard questions this day- why are all the friendships I made as an adult and quite outside of school so full of mountains,valleys and all else in between? I know im not too good with affirmation and all that but i just think im too tired of trying too hard especially when the goodwill isnt two way? im feeling like im too old to keep doing this. im at the point of walking away- lets do so now rather than hang on and have it get messy, im all for clean breaks and the faster the better. Is this going to be a constant theme of my twenties? i cant like that i know. .. … urggggggggggg!

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right

He’s magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he’s more than I can take

I’m longing for love and the logical
But he’s only happy hysterical
I’m waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

Finally we got us a new cabinet and we pray that we can finally begin to work at rebuilding the nation. At a glance, this is what it looks like.

1. Office of the President

Ministry of State for Provincial Administration and Internal Security- Hon. Professor George Saitoti

Assistant Ministers: Hon. Simon Lesirma, Hon. Joshua Orwa Ojode

2.Ministry of State for Defence

Minister: Hon. Yusuf Haji

Assistant Ministers: Hon. David Musila

Hon. General (Rtd) Joseph Nkaisserry        

3. Office of the Vice President

Vice President and Minister for Home Affairs: Hon. Stephen Kalonzo Musyoka

Assistant Minister: Hon. Lorna Laboso

4. Ministry of State for Immigration and Registration of Persons: Hon. Gerald Otieno Kajwang’

Assistant Minister:  Hon. Francis Baya

5.Ministry of State for National Heritage & Culture:      Hon. William Ole Ntimama

Assistant Minister: Hon. Joel Onyancha Omagwa

6. Office of the Prime Minister:

Prime Minister: Hon. Raila Amollo Odinga

Assistant Minister: Hon. Alfred. Khang’ati

7. Ministry of State for Planning, National Development and Vision Twenty Thirty:        

Minister: Hon. Wycliffe Ambetsa Oparanya

Assistant Minister: Hon. Peter Kenneth

8. Ministry of State for Public Service:

Hon. Dalmas Anyango Otieno

Assistant Minister: Hon. Aden Ahmed Sugow

9. Office of Deputy Prime Minister and Ministry of Trade:

Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Trade:

Hon. Uhuru Kenyatta

Assistant Minister: Hon. James Omingo Magara       

10. Office of the Deputy Prime Minister and Ministry of Local Government

Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Local Government:

Hon. Wycliffe Musalia Mudavadi

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Robison Njeru Githae

11.  Ministry of East African Community

Minister:  Hon. Amason Kingi Jeffah

Assistant Minister: Hon. Peter Munya

12. Ministry of Foreign Affairs

Minister: Hon. Moses Wetangula

Assistant Minister:  Hon. Richard Momoima Onyonka

13. Ministry of Finance

Minister: Hon. Amos Kimunya

Assistant Minister:  Hon. Dr. Oburu Oginga

14. Ministry of Justice, National Cohesion and  Constitutional Affairs

Minister: Hon. Martha Karua

Assistant Minister:  Hon. William Cheptumo Kipkorir

15. Ministry of Nairobi Metropolitan Development

Minister:  Hon. Mutula Kilonzo

Assistant Minister: Hon. Elizabeth Ongoro Masha

16. Ministry of Roads

Minister:  Hon. Kipkalya Kones

Assistant Ministers:  Hon. Wilfred Machage, Hon. Lee Kinyanjui

17. Ministry of Public Works

Minister:  Hon. Chris Obure

Assistant Minister:  Hon. Dickson Wathika  Mwangi

18. Ministry of Transport

Minister:                 Hon. Chirau Ali Makwere

Assistant Minister:        Hon. John Harun Mwau

19Ministry of Water and Irrigation

Minister:                 Hon. Charity Kaluki Ngilu

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Mwangi Kiunjuri

20. Ministry of Regional Development Authorities

Minister:                Hon. Fredrick  Omulo Gumo

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Judah Katoo Ole Metito                     

21. Information & Communications

Minister:                  Hon. Samuel Poghisio

Assistant Minister:        Hon. George Munyasa Khaniri, Hon. Maj. (Rtd) Dhadho Godhana

22. Ministry of Energy

Minister:                Hon. Kiraitu Murungi

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Charles Keter, Hon. Maalim Mohamud Mohamed

23. Ministry of Lands

Minister: Hon. Aggrey James Orengo

Assistant Minister:  Hon. Silvester Wakoli Bifwoli, Hon. Samwel Gonzi Rai

24. Ministry of Environment and Mineral Resources

Minister: Hon. John Michuki

Assistant Ministers:  Hon. Ramadhan Seif Kajembe,

Hon. Jackson Kiplagati Kiptanui

25. Ministry of Forestry and Wildlife               

Minister:                Hon. Noah Wekesa

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Josphat Koli Nanok

26. Ministry of Tourism

Minister:                Hon. Mohamed Najib Balala

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Cecily Mtito Mbarire

27.Ministry of Agriculture       

Minister:                        Hon. William  Samoei Ruto

Assistant Ministers:        Hon Japhet Kareke Mbiuki,

Hon. Gideon Musyoka Ndambuki

28. Ministry of Livestock Development

Minister:                 Hon. Mohamed Abdi Kuti

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Bare Aden Duale

29. Ministry of Fisheries Development       

Minister:                Hon. Paul Nyongesa Otuoma       

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Mohamed Abu Abuchiaba

30. Ministry of Development of Northern Kenya and other Arid Lands

Minister:  Hon. Ibrahim Elmi Mohamed

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Hussein Tarry Sasura

31.Ministry of Cooperatives Development

Minister:                Hon. Joseph Nyagah

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Linah Jebii Kilimo

32. Ministry of Industrialization        

Minister:    Hon. Henry Kiprono Kosgey

Assistant Minister:        Hon. Ndiritu Murithi

33. Ministry of Housing

Minister:  Hon. Peter Soita Shitanda

Assistant Minister:  Hon. Bishop Margaret

Wanjiru Kariuki

34. Ministry of Special Programmes

Minister: Hon. Dr. Naomi Namsi Shabani

Assistant Minister: Hon. Mohamed Muhamud Ali

35. Ministry of Gender and Children Affairs

Minister:  Hon. Esther Murugi Mathenge

Assistant Minister  Hon. Atanas Manyala Keya

36. Ministry of Public Health and Sanitation

Minister: Hon. Hon. Beth Wambui Mugo               

Assistant Minister:  Hon. Dr. James Ondicho Gesami

37. Ministry of Medical Services

Minister: Hon. Prof. Peter Anyang’ Nyong’o

Assistant Minister: Hon. Danson Buya Mungatana

38. Ministry of Labour

Minister:  Hon. John Kiyonga Munyes

Assistant Minister:  Hon. Sospeter Ojamaa Ojamong’

39. Ministry of Youth and Sports       

Minister:     Hon. Dr. Helen Jepkemoi

Sambili

Assistant Minister: Hon. Wavinya Ndeti, Hon. Kabando wa Kabando

40. Ministry of Education        

Minister: Hon. Samson Kegeo Ongeri

Assistant Ministers: Hon. Prof. Patrick Ayiecho

Olweny

Hon. Andrew Calist  Mwatela

41.Ministry of Higher Education, Science and Technology

Minister: Hon. Dr. Sally Jepngetich Kosgey

Assistant Ministers:  Hon. Kilemi Mweria, Asman Abongotum Kamama

42. Office of the Attorney General

Attorney General: Hon. Amos Wako

I see a couple of women and thats good, in significant seats other than Lady Karua, i cant say how many more. They have pretty much recycled the same old folks and i wonder what we get when we place old wine in new wineskins? lets wait and see

the list is courtesy of Standard.

 HANDELS AT SANDTON

THE GARDENS

WISH IT WAS SNOW

ME IN FRONT OF THE KITCHEN

THE TREE RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR ROOM

I guess this will put things in context for everyone, this is diggz for me and thats what the hair is looking like. tihiiii

guess who’s coming to dinner? Akon is in town. NOT that I’m uber-jazzed or anything but coz dude has bafud Kenya so many times and then tonight he is performing in Joburg and kesho the Mother City aka Cape Town. what will his fans in kenya think?

This coming week I have to do my presentation based on my topic which in a nutshell im asking whether its possible to calculate total economic value for non market assets and services. Yeah, basically when running Cost-Benefit Analyses, we assume that the enviroment has a zero value but nothing could be further from the truth than that. Thing is, I have NO data for this and i have an assignment this week that will basically be asking me what data will i be using and whats its integrity- questions that my sixteen and a half year old head had never once considered six months ago. Growing up sucks and all. After I finish writing my long essay, id be ever so glad if i never have to hear words like “randomization, quasi and non- randomization experiments,  literature review, Labour Force Surveys, methodology, and what have you. Eme, someone just said a bad word kinda thing.

running on empty, run out of masks are all phrases that have been coming to mind this past week as i thought about a pal of mine. A pal of mine once told me this Greek Myth about Narcissus who was especially cruel to Echo who used to look upon him with Love and he rebuffed her coz he was so into himself ( the root for the word narcissist) but anyhu, Echo looked at this Narcissus and loved him but nothing doing. The way I was told this was she loved him and though she knew he couldnt love her back, she knew she was the best thing for him. MORAL:  sometimes you know (you are) the best thing for someone but while they find themselves and see this for themselves you just gotta sit by and let them stumble and fall a coupla times all the while you watch from NOT TOO FAR away. I wonder always whether its possible to love someone too much? is it? i mean, if you know what someone needs why cant they hand over life rights to you and then you do whats gotta be done and hand things over to them? maisha……..

subsequent to blogging here i learnt the name of the book is “why am i afraid to tell you who i am?”. My favest poem,scratch that, the only one i know is called Whititude by Austin Bukenya from Heinemann Poems or something, could someone type it out and send it to me? PLEASE….

Cheese

Eggs

Chicken Viennas with cheese centres

Lemon and Ginger Herbal tea bags

Oliver Mtukudzi

African literati

OCTOBER ROAD

I am watching East and Southern Pop Idols and wondering to myself, first of all- when were the auditions held? was I in town while they were being held or had i already gone- I think I have watched all the other idols from pretty much the rest of the world and thus far- NO goosebumps kabisa. whats the deal- we buy CDs and of course these pips are singing these ma-songs from these ma-celebs and where is all that going? my sis and i are convinced they dont have family or loved ones coz hnbc? would these wapendwas let you go to the big time and enyewe you pretty much suck at this? as in seriously…… between that nut of a boy who wanted to play the guitar at the back of his head and insists on “eye contact”, Ms Orange (we know how she voted now), the gal who closely watched the Beyonce video and this does not exclude all the reggea and po-po-po dudes. The saddest of all was in Dar, Tanzanians who bless their souls speak kidogo English is where the Judges went all crazy with them. I just thought it was matharau plain and simple. And there I was loving me some bongo like mad. More than that, I think the judges are reaaaaaally acting plain and simple. They are trying too hard and that makes them lose credibility with me. The whole Simon Cowell(Sqarr) the passive female judge ( Angela) and then the cross between the two of them(Tkay). THAT is so tired and we need originality like jana already, anyhu, this weekend is Kampala and i hope they show me something coz hii aibu, haileti furaha at all.

I love my tuts and all the kids i have met in all of them. what will i do in like six weeks when i have to detach, will i be able to? i cant think about it now coz its not on…. reading Tara Road now and with each page im smiling like a punk….my mindless job to do if i didnt have school is being an illustrator like for Comics and the likes  

I am at present reading this book and as usual I have read all the reviews about it and I have that warm and fuzzy feeling coz it seems to have been a good choice you know… I have found that I am reading a lot of books about identity as a central theme and walala, dont I know me, ama iz hau? hnbc? I would also like to have one of these books to- either to own or to read so dont be shy then

1.  On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan
2. The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perrotta

Please,please….

Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup;

  you have made my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

  surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I absolutely love this verse.

When the mountain is steep
when the valley is deep
when the body is weary
when we stumble and fall

When the choices are hard
when we’re battered and scarred
when we’ve spent our resource
when we’ve given our all

In Jesus name we press on
In jesus name we press on
dear lord, with the prize
clear before our eyes
we find the strength to press on

I listened to a LOVELY sermon this morning at Church and it was all about Joy. I thought of that shady programme a large majority of us grew up watching called “Joy Bringers” and I thought, what I might need to know about are the joy stealers in my life. What are those things that keep weighing me down? Each time I feel a sadness and a loss/ heaviness in my heart- what are those things that bring me to that point right there? I think for most of last year was the feeling of failure to magnitudes and dimensions so far unthought and unimagined. The whole quarter life crisis is the most unspoken thing that I THINK I had to deal with last year and have I found myself? I think growing up is tough to do but what I learnt is that it doesnt happen all at once- its gradual and on some score I might do well and then at still other times, fail miserably. The lesson though is to keep at and to realize that Joy supersedes my present circumstances. Psalm 13 summarizes this thought well:

2   How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?

  5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.

 6 I will sing to the LORD,
       for he has been good to me.

Today I admit that I have failed on this one score thus far BUT YET will I choose to rejoice in the Lord unfailing love and admit His banner over me that is love.

I finally did my hair jana and it looks lovely. The salonist was a man and I am not too comfy with that coz i find it too intimate but he wasnt too bad really Have a not too heavy week ahead, an assignment due on Tuesday morning, a CAT kesho evening that I havent started on but the Joy of the Lord is my what?