So while in truth I am 32 years, I hardly ever feel that way. I suppose in so many ways I have age dissonance in that, that’s the number I put down but hardly do I look at myself and think, there she is that 32 year old, nah, nope, never. So how old do I feel? Well, I have three secret inner ages.
At this age, I fell in love with Nairobi. I was also deemed old enough to commute to the Library and church and back home unaccompanied. I also loved taking matatus (public service vehicles) and would delight in selecting the hottest one with the best music or the coolest people. I enjoyed feeling like a grown up even in this really small way.
At this age, I felt grown. School got tough but I managed to draw on my inner strength and focus. By this point I had chosen subjects that would pretty much determine what I studied at University and essentially my career. Now I know many people didn’t take it that seriously but I certainly did and saw each of those decisions as a major cog in the life wheel. I also remember the clarity I felt around these decisions, I was so bold and didn’t even for a second second guess myself or my abilities.
I literally felt like I was on top of the world. I had completed my undergrad and felt like the world was my oyster. I jokingly say, I should have rewarded myself with motherhood because thought I was single, this was the only time I felt the need to bear an heiress 🙂 But I felt young enough to be optimistic and experienced enough to have something under my belt.
In truth though, we have friends who have one or two kids, some who are divorced, others have faced miscarriages – all things that I think of as being done by big people. We have gotten married, changed jobs, moved cities and all that but somehow that’s another person not me. Do you sometimes feel that way or is your life aligned to your actual age?
If we were having coffee, I would tell you of the different moments when I knew I was grown and I was OK with it. Minute 5:22 of this video.
“As you start to get older it’s about reconciling the fantasy with reality and still maintaining the vision for your life. So that you are going towards what you want but still incorporating the reality of life’s experience and reconciling that certain things you don’t have control over.” Tracee Ellis Ross
We all have this age when it hits us that some of the plans we made as young people will not take the single format we had envisioned.
When I was young, I knew that I would one day be married, never really planned the wedding but knew that I would be married. In my head, I was going to meet my husband at 24 get married at 26 and have my first child at 28 like my mom. Well, when at 23 I enrolled to do my Masters, I knew that this was never going to happen. Also, when I started working and realised the cost of weddings, I knew I had to push it out.
Or the dream to join the World Bank Young Professional Programme? Slowly and painfully letting this one go as I approach 32 and resting on the fact that hopefully I can join the Bank at a later stage in my career.
Similarly, how quickly I dropped the dream to go to the London School of Economics and do my Masters – one day I looked at their prospectus and realised that I was not interested in their course offering.
The dream to live alone before I was married. Things changed and it was fine.
I guess at different stages I learnt that the dream does not have to come in only one format and that you know what, it’s OK to reconfigure, to rediscover to restart or redo. It’s OK. My new thing is to keep it moving and to keep trying forward.
She seems so confident, so unique and happy in her skin. Like how we all are as kids and then we grow up and find out that there are no quick guide books on how to do life and all things grown up. A couple of friends and I were speaking about this yesterday and we all lamented the fact that we are almost 30 years and still trying to figure stuff out and no one had any firm or definite answers on life. Urggh! How did the other grown ups looks so well put together?
I am so glad that I am in my late twenties. There is the point after being in your adolescent period when you get all the authority/responsibility that you have so desperately craved for and it hits you, man I am on my own and from here on out I’m accountable for all that happens! And it results in a lot of emotions.
It’s scary, I mean you have never been twenty before so you don’t know what to expect.
It’s overwhelming, did my parents REALLY make all these decisions for me? Huh?
It’s also exciting. Very. I choose to do what I want as and when I want to and some flourish but others not so much.
Having said that, I would trade places with my 12 year old self any day!!! Would you?
Been a while, I know, but I am currently trying to compile a list of thirty things I would like to do before I turn 30 (in 43 odd months) and so do feel free to drop by and let me know your suggestions.
Guess who’s coming to dinner? Akon is in town. I am not particularly a fan or anything but remain interested because of the number of times he has dissed Kenya and then tonight he is performing in Joburg and tomorrow in Cape Town. What will his fans in Kenya think?
This coming week I have to do my presentation based on my topic which in a nutshell I’m asking whether its possible to calculate total economic value for non market assets and services. Yeah, basically when running Cost-Benefit Analyses, we assume that the enviroment has a zero value but nothing could be further from the truth than that. Thing is, I have NO data for this and I have an assignment this week that will basically be asking me what data will I be using and whats its integrity- questions that my sixteen and a half year old head had never once considered six months ago. Growing up sucks and all. After I finish writing my long essay, Id be ever so glad if i never have to hear words like “randomization, quasi and non- randomization experiments, literature review, Labour Force Surveys, methodology, and what have you.
Running on empty, run out of masks are all phrases that have been coming to mind this past week as i thought about a pal of mine. A pal of mine once told me this Greek Myth about Narcissus who was especially cruel to Echo who used to look upon him with Love and he rebuffed her coz he was so into himself ( the root for the word narcissist) but anyhu, Echo looked at this Narcissus and loved him but nothing doing. The way I was told this was she loved him and though she knew he couldn’t love her back, she knew she was the best thing for him. MORAL: sometimes you know (you are) the best thing for someone but while they find themselves and see this for themselves you just gotta sit by and let them stumble and fall a coupl of times all the while you watch from NOT TOO FAR away. I wonder always whether its possible to love someone too much? I mean, if you know what someone needs why cant they hand over life rights to you and then you do whats gotta be done and hand things over to them? Life ..
subsequent to blogging here i learnt the name of the book is “why am i afraid to tell you who i am?”. My favest poem,scratch that, the only one i know is called Whititude by Austin Bukenya from Heinemann Poems or something, could someone type it out and send it to me? PLEASE…. 🙂
A colleague gave me John Legend’s Album to listen to the other day and it just made me wonder! Its really nice and it just made me wonder,is any of that stuff for real? That whole chick when I see you, I feel …. or what, do people really do that? Do they really feel that way about someone else? I have caught myself wondering how two people meet, fall in love and STAY that way? Isn’t that just the greatest mystery of all time- My folks have been together for 33 years and I just wonder at the resilience of that whole thing? How does that work? Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely loyal but to what end? This is why I don’t listen to R n B coz for me,it just isn’t about the beat BUT the words as well!
Came across a couple of links that I thought of as mhh….. www.townhousegalleria.it this was a really novel hotel in Italy that I saw in Time Magazine. The rest didn’t work so I just chucked them…
On to unrelated matters, its my birthday in two months and for the first time I am running scared and really freaking out-I feel so I don’t know but its so not a nice feeling. The dread of the whole thing is tangible this time round- This is strange for me coz usually I am over the moon about the day, Anyway……