Guest post from Unique blogging over at (A Reflection of Divine Creativity) who defines herself as loud, unstructured, confident, sometimes crazy mad, insane, happy, fun, sexy, intelligent, fiercely loyal, sarcastic, mad about God and very blunt.
If I could go back to my eleven year old self. I would reassure her. I would smile, laugh and just hug her. I had my first crush at 11…not boyfriend…crush. I had a boyfriend when I was 10….more like best friend since we’d just talk play games etc but nonetheless he was my boyfriend and neighbor etc. I digress. I wish someone told me that having a crush was not the worst thing I could do nor was it my fault or it did not make me stupid. I went to boarding school for a year when then transferred to join a new school in fifth grade. I was super excited to join this school since I’d always wanted to join it just because one of the boards had my name on it. I had always been a social person in my neighborhood having both male and female friends: quite the tomboy but still able to play the games with the girls. So it was to my shock to join this school and find out that the girls literally hated me for no reason or so it seemed. It was a small class about ten girls or less and about twelve boys. We were at an age in school boys seemed like poison best avoided so we would put several bags between us in class to counter the seating arrangement of boys and girls. The thing about growing up and playing with boys you learn real fast to front or else they will tease you mercilessly for the smallest whimper or threat of tears. So I decided to front and pretended not to care when I was always left to be the last one in the queue next to the boys. I would talk back when one of the queen bees would say something mean so that the rest of the minions could laugh. It was not overt bullying truth be told…more like exclusion and rejection. No one owes you anything so I can’t really fault those girls. That said and done I got by and sometimes I would be included. Every Friday we would have art classes where we could sit wherever and usually I would sit at the back with this other girl, Pauline. I have no idea when I started noticing my soon to be crush but at some point in the process I did and it began. I did not tell anyone. Not even my friends at home especially my best friend Judy who at that time we literally shared everything. At some point I started dreaming about this guy and wondering how it would be like if he were my boyfriend. Let me remind you that I was very innocent at this age as my notion of a relationship was sitting and talking about nothing, playing games. That was it. In fact I did not even know about Periods, pads etc. Nothing! So one day I started writing this boy, Ken notes and making sure I’d leave them in his bag/desk when no one could see. What I did not note was the pattern that i always wrote them every Friday. . I’m laughing as I write this. Anyway this went one perhaps 3 weeks or so till one day he had enough and called his friend and started telling him about it. Soon I got a note where he drew this cartoon picture with things on the face and told me that was me and I could never be his girlfriend because I was so ugly. Since Pauline was nearby I tore off where he wrote dear ugly *my name*..And a lot of other stuff…including asking me to stop disturbing him. Weirdly the words did not like harm me as much as the threat of everyone finding out and being ridiculed. As I said I’d become adept at fronting so even as Pauline showed the rest of the girls the letter I was laughing with them wondering who it could refer to….On Monday I entered class and knew the game was up. You know how you enter a charged room and you know by the looks, smirks, and whisper people have been talking about you? I knew it but calmly went to my desk. I can never recall who first confronted me but I kept denying it over and over till on a break I burst out crying. The boys were laughing as it was funny especially Daniel. I’ll never forget. I was so mortified!!!!! I wouldn’t stop crying till this girl who until then I hated with all my heart as I perceived her to be part of the queen bees started to comfort me and tell me it was ok. For once I allowed the thought that perhaps she wasn’t as evil as I perceived her to be. Eventually I calmed down but stuck to my story that I hadn’t written any notes to Ken and I did not have a crush on him. No one bought it but I clung to my story tenaciously. Incidentally that crush effectively ended right there and then…but sadly not what I took from it. I was convinced everyone never forgot that incident and anytime a teacher or anyone referred to kissing, boy-girl relationships, love anything I was convinced everyone was recalling that incident and laughing at me. Trust me there were plenty of opportunity seeing as every Friday morning we would have chapel and a favorite topic were love, crushes etc. The whole four years I was in primary school I never let go of this. Outwardly I appeared confident, and defiant but inwardly I felt like I’d done the biggest gaffe and could never undo it or repay whatever debt there was….I was carrying this unnecessary burden and I was so young! an adolescent on top of all the changes in my life….This story continues but I’ve always said I’d write it down …if only I could go back and teach that small girl that laugh it off….it’s normal…it’s natural…it’s ok…you are ok….and as for rejection….yes it hurt but you know what? Shrug it off!…they never did matter….and it passes and becomes better…I can laugh about this now but till I was in my second year in highs school I was very bitter about my experience in that school…and by the way…we became very close friends with queen bee…hahahahhahaha to this day