Growing up is funny.
I mean at various points in your life, certain things tend to take precedence and thats all that one can think about and then time passes and you look back at what you were so concerned about and you just want the ground to open up and swallow you whole. I look back at the diaries I kept as a thirteen year old and the only thing that saves me from mortal embarrasment is the fact that they were written in all pureness of spirit and heart. But you know what, nothing prepares you for the uncertainty that is your twenties…..it’s the most vicious thing I have known and I want out. It’s worse than adolescence and then to make it worse, everyone thinks you ‘are all grown up and don’t need them to hold your hand and then they just throw you out to the dogs to kinda make your way as you go along. The whole uncertainty only gets worse when its mirrored in your friends too. Its not bad enough that you are literally fighting the demons and barely managing to keep them under wraps but also that you get to see the same crazed look in the eyes of your peers.
I am losing pals. I don’t know what I can do about it but I know that being away this year has forced me to be less dependent on friendships that I had made over time. Not in a bad way but I was just thinking that in February when I was leaving, I didn’t want to go because I kept thinking how I would be leaving my friends and then they would move on and when or if i get back it would have changed too much but in hindsight, I am glad that I did and at the time and manner in which I left. Remaining would only have stagnated my growth and the kind of experiences I’ve had would never occur. The pain was certainly worth it.