cost of doing business

my new evil and very time consuming compulsion is the need to read blogs from newly weds…..i am damned is what!

il read this later when i have time

still wanting to do my pottery classes but the servers and thing are to die for

how many colours?

Living in SA, one cant help but notice how everything is broken down and viewed in terms of colour, even things that have no colour value. this is the land of apartheid, I THINK WE ALL KNOW but must it all come down to whether you are White, Coloured, Black or Asian? Whats this all about? On radio, all you hear talk of is racist this, racist the other and im just wondering, why?

In Kenya, we are a mixed race society and while on the one hand we dont really mix, look at us, we are happy,ama?

Some Uni kids didnt want to have a mixed race hostel and so they went ahead and filmed a mean and derogatory video with some domestic workers or sorry, support staff at the school. in this day and age and 14 years into the Democracy and Rainbow nation, why are we still discussing this? Somebody help me here coz coming from Kenya, i dont get this kind of discrimination as my sister told me this morning. Siioni kabisa.

glories of glories

saw this wordplay that made my morning, “ Carla and Sarkozy so cozy in SA” get it? anyone…..? these are a few of those things that make me go tihiiiiii all the time

Nichole Nordman- i absolutely love her music.

This mag kicks something.

This goes to reinforce the fact that i would like to work with my hubby on some ministry joing thingy-do.

 These guys are coming to school to recruit- anyone wanna sponsor this good cause?

i love this song loads- the lyrics as they appear below mean the world to me and when i listen to this song it always catches me at just the right time.

 I can’t believe that I’m here in this place again
How did I manage to mess up one more time?
This pattern seems to be the story of my life
Should have learned this lesson by the thousandth time.‘Cause I promised myself I wouldn’t fall
But here I’ve fallen
I guess I’m not as strong as I thought
All I can do is cry to you.

Oh God you have to save me
You’re my last and only hope
All my right answers fail me
I can’t seem to make it on my own.Always thought that I would be strong enoughWhat made all of them fall couldn’t take me down
Yeah, did I think that I was above it all?
I have learned that pride comes before the fall

I can’t promise myself that I won’t fall
‘Cause here I’ve fallen
I know I’m not as strong as I thought
All I can do is cry to you.

Of course its by Barlow Girls and when i do listen to it the first stanza atleast, i catch myself thinking na sasa how did i get to this once again? how did i goof up once again? why, why, why?

in pursuit of Job

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Note: This quote is taken from Marianne Williamson’s book “A Return to Love”. Though often quoted as part of Nelson Mandela’s moving inaugural speech, “Our Deepest Fear” does not appear in the speech.

 I came from Church earlier today and i had this lovely sermon about the lady at the well and the story  of the Israelites in the desert who grumbled about the water. How often do i grumble? how often do i turn to the Lord and throw back all the blessings that he has given me and in essence tell him, old Guy, have that? i feared yesterday that i might be losing my faith, is it possible to lose our faith, how do we know when we lose it? how do we lose it? is it possible or is it a lie? i dont think so but i know that i need to get back to Penuel, can i remember where that is? a lyric in a Sarah Groves song about asking Job why he hung on when all that stuff happened with him? Why did he hung on when it got all ELEPHANT for him? how do i build up that kind of faith for myself? it is a new beginning for me and im going all out and savouring this for all its worth, so join me, lets toast to better days and trusting in God despite it all

whats cutting at home

I left town at about the time that Koffi Annan came to mediate this round of talks and so im out of the loop here. whats the Government spokesman talking about now? have they released the names of the top Politicians who have been banned from visiting the US of A? whats this talk of power sharing? i heard also that Pakistan has also held their elections, ALREADY? wasnt it just the other day Dec 27th( now why can i vividly tell that?) that Benazir died and they canceled the elections to a latter date, has it come and gone then? this school thing is a total time consumer of me so just bear with me its not stemming from plain ignorance. Has Samuel Kivuitu resurfaced? is he going to church and all that, does he ever leave his home or is it some kind of house arrest that we dont know about? why isnt the press picking up on that and papparazing him to see what he is spending his days on and all that. is he still the ECK Chair? when can he leave and how do we know that the next person isnt a mule just like he was? i think he is my new obsession, Hey Mister, im intrigued by you cant we sit and talk and i ask you really hard and squirm-in-your-seat questions? drop me a line sincerely yours………

on a lighter note

I realized that many of my entries are dark and too “weighty” so hopefully this will change that perception. its meant to be a list of things that make me happy,sad,whatever or uniquely just me!

1. I am saved
2. I teach twelve year old Sunday School
3. My best flavour of anything is: vanilla, cinammon, cummin, coffee or mocha
4. I love coffee and tea with a passion- a lot that is, not with the fruit
5. My favourite colour to wear is black and to decorate my house would be yellow, reds and oranges
6. I am presently addicted to chatting and Facebook 
7. I love rock music especially Third Day and Barlow Girl
8. When writing, I hate using paragraphs and capital letters when i ought
9. The adjectives that best describe me: loyal, passionate, naughty, cold, analytical, detached, perfectionist bordering on control freak
10. Have a fear of walking in front of someone pushing a supermarket cart, or on a kerb thats uneven lest i fall in,  or of smelling different as a result of using new lotion/ soap/ perfume
11. I have stalker tendencies and potential
12. I have kept a journal on and off over the years since i was twelve
13. I have kept all the high school notes i passed during class hours
14. Hardly ever do i skip breakfast
15. I dont eat red meat
16. I work best in the middle of the night when all else is still around me
17. I hate jazz, instrumental, R n B, House, lingala music
18. I love love love Grey’s Anatomy, Prison Break, Gilmore Girls
19. My best fragrance is any Bvlgari perfume
20. I hate the feeling of dust between my toes, i hate it when people rub their bare feet against mine, im pretty protective of my toes generally.
21. I love writing lists
22. Favourite writers: Jodi Piccoult, Marian Keyes, Francine Rivers, Maeve Binchy
23. Favourite destinations: India, London, in Africa? maybe Tripoli
24. I cant stand dishonesty,double speak or indecisiveness
25. I’m easily susceptible to salesmen and sales pitches
26. I’m heavily into bags and earrings and of late shoes
27. I hate to beg and make people feel like i depend on them to do anything for me- id rather not ask and suffer in silence
28. I’m INTENSELY private and secretive especially about the smallest and most insignificant of things
29. Mybed means the world to me
30. Rarely do i get colds
31. I love rainy mid-mornings and afternoons

will keep updating with time so wait and see

oopsy

the pics below didnt quite chuck as well as id hoped to so oopsy but with time, they sure will so stick around y’all.

the YLT elections were leo- wonder how they went and whether the thing was at all effective with the different ministries bonding and what have you.

tutorials

something about Wits is that the undergrads are expected to do tutorials and as part of the obligations for me to get the Merit Award is that i have to put in 6 hours a week of this. i picked the freshers who ALL have to do Econ and il just say that they got lots of syke and for now, are reading between, above and on the line of their Econ course texts and im just tempted to place a bet on how long it takes for the reality of this Econ thing to hit them and they chill out- like imagine you already in Uni and dont need to impress?

so much for jana being Valentines, i was all kinds of busy from when i checked into school at 9 until my last class at 7 jana- from room to room all over class including two tutorials back-to-back. two kisses to self, happy Valentines my dear.

im already behind on my readings and i feel like this is week ten of the Sem and i dont like that at all. still trying to come to grips with all the smoke around Campus and debating with myself should i also start? should, shouldnt i? tricky one id say.NOT!

looking for a reading table and lamp for myself coz now il be bringing work back home with me- sad. too sad.

 ok off to school now, if anyone is reading this,il try and upload pics and stuff and when you can, do comment and tell me whats cutting at home. on which note, im far removed from the situation in Kenya and eh, im just shocked at myself. so, lemme hear from you so its not one-sided only?

valentines

finally its here, the day that gives us all the excuse to buy red roses and cards and go out for lunch,dinner and breakfast where possible.

i guess love makes the world go round. love gives us all the reason to live. without love arent we all just empty cymbals making a dull noise?

so i guess i join the queue and shout from the tops of the rooftop ” Happy Valentine y’all”

isnt it just another excuse to listen to John Legend all day then, yey!

so far?

i landed on Sunday morning after like three or more days of not sleeping.

 i went for registration yesterday and luckily my sister was there with me or else i would have been dazed till 2010.

today was my first real day on my own on campus and i couldnt even make my way around- at some point i did get a map but after asking like twenty-ten people i did make my way.

 had my first class this evening and it was a bit hectic too-there were so many readings that i needed to do and of course i hadnt and the class started early and this was me running to class a few minutes early only to find it already filled to capacity with earlier peoples. loved it though and i think it has great potential too.

went by the tutors place and i have three tutorial groups lined up so far including one kesho and i have like two chapters to read and prepare myself prior to then. for money people have done worse things.

this is HIV Awareness week at school and the kind of entertainment we are having at school has my jaw dropping. jana and after seeing all the people smoking around school i knew that this was a secular school. walala!

dealing with some stuff from home and i dont like it, thought i could make a clean cut but alas im the fool here! why all these circles is what i want to know!

 not in BSF anymore, its sad i tell you been five good years and all i can hope is that in September my timetable will

i wonder

i just saw this blog that had pictures of kids dead and lying in a morgue as a result of this senseless murders that have erupted across most parts of Kenya. As a Christian, i know that we ought to submit to our leaders and this is regardless of whether i think they were elected fairly or not- thats hardly the case here. in my heart, i have been struggling with wanting to say really bad things about his character but i just cant until when i beheld the pictures of those children piled one upon the other! who does that to any one least of all kids and thinks its justified? yesterday i came across an article of these people who burnt the church down in Eldoret and they were trying to explain why they killed the women and children and to me the argument itself was a non-starter! 

i wonder what the situation will be like in June of this year will things be better or worse or normal as we knew it?

 i wonder honestly what kivuitu must be feeling like? what does he think of JUST before he goes to bed, what does he feel when he hears about the flare ups that are happening all over?

i wonder why the Cabinet had to be named this week and why it couldnt wait until after the “Peace Talks”. i wonder who is running the government and where the President is when stuff is cutting and he is on the nil-by-mouth diet? i wonder where is the brilliant economist? what happened to him?

 i wonder what runs through the Gvt spokesman’s mind each time he has to talk? and does he realize that after this gvt finishes their five years in office he will be rendered virtually unemployable? he is not even a sycophant or a boot-licker, something FAR beyond that and doesnt he feel bad about it? i wonder whether he can look himself straight in the mirror bila feeling bad!

i wonder most of all how we will resolve this question of tribe in kenya and whether it will one day STOP to matter!

i wonder too why well meaning gestures are often the ones that hurt the most? i wonder also about pain and the heart? if we keep getting our hearts hurt/ broken, do they get smaller with time or do they get to a point where they are bigger than the hurt and it stops to move them in any specific way? i wonder what will happen to pain when we get to heaven?

(in)sanity

while i was on holiday i changed my sleep pattern so i effectively became nocturnal and now that im back at the office, im SO paying for it- i feel like im paying with blood for the same! i have been averaging three to four hours sleep and i cant say im liking it at all coz for instance this minute in time i feel like falling on the floor and sleeping and if anyone’s gotta problem, they can stick it

on a lighter note though im glad that Clinton won its a good blow for us ladies- but i must qualify that and say that between Obama and Clinton it will be a good election coz as far as im concerned they are both underdogs and il be damned if i dont stand up for the underdogs! yey for blacks and YEY for women (can you just tell who is the bigger underdog to me?) i read this story about how kissing in SA will soon be enough to land kids in big time trouble and this is whether its consensual or not-should put a right big stop to underage PDA which is the most unsightly thing after Visible Panty Lines and lecherous old men!

now im awake- things have cooled down somewhat in the city of Nairobi and one can hardly believe that this was the scene of all that madness last week! and i think i know whats keeping me up!

Choice

The stuff that is happening in kenya is out of this world.who knew or even imagined that things would ever disintegrate to such chaos and uncertaintity? at this point it doesnt matter so much about the elections and who rigged where or by how much, the bottom line is that many have lost their lives and continue to do so and something needs to be done about it promptly. some of the politicians who are out there making these hard line stances arent the same ones who are being flogged by the police and having their houses and businesses being burnt down left, right and centre. its in fact amazing that the people who have the least going for them are the same ones who can afford the time and energy to dedicate to the “cause” whatever that would be.

why am i awake now?

what do you do when all the familiar things that you have always fallen back to just disappear/change?

 what do you do when the stable and safe things in your life begin to shake?

who do you turn to when the one person whom you have always turned to when things are dire just isnt there anymore?

whom do you turn to when you just need a body double to live your life so you can take time out?

when things change? how do we deal with that so we dont get consumed by it all?

ok so i absolutely hate change and it doestnt help that the one constant thing in life is change. i just hate it that things change all the time: often for good but more often than not, NOT for good-makes you almost want to say that life is such a bummer BUT i know better than to concede that!

this i know

At the beginning of the year a friend of mine made a comment about how this year will turn out to be especially challenging and how we are going to be forced to adapt to the many changes that would be coming our way. I thought to myself what? how absurd? what is she on about but I look back now and I am perplexed by my naivette. I have learnt a lot through the many changes that I have undergone this past year.

Two of my sisters left home this year and one of them I had never been separated from for longer than absolutely necessary and infact would supervise my homework and generally boss me around while I was growing up. Her departure shook me up quite badly!

I spent much of last year with a friend of mine who at the beginning it was really difficult to get to know BUT when we did,it was lovely. Somehow this year,it all went kaput and things just got awkward, at this point allow me to add that it was a girl like me so….. I tried for ages to get to the bottom of it and to see what I had done or the role I had played in it all and couldn’t see-what it came down to was the fact that at the beginning of the year I changed the group of people who I used to hang around with and I guess was the whole struggle with relevance and insecurity on both our parts. After many mean emails and awkward IMs, we now scarcely talk and when we do its painfully polite. I guess we can’t be Ms. Popularity all the time,yeah? Its funny the thing with poison-it disguises itself totally and you wouldn’t know unless you put it through the test or someone tells you about it!

I got two jobs earlier in the year but had to forfeit them because of my nationality and I tell you I have never felt such pain.It was the worst thing that I had to deal with this past year and to me opened the floodgates for all the other drama. Everyone would tell me how oh you will get another job and all that but you know what? i kinda want this one too you know? In hindsight, I am glad now because both would have been in a bank and what with the crazy schedule, I wouldnt have hacked to do leadership this year. And so I guess the WIll of the Lord be done now and this is what He will have me do at the moment! But that pain especially coz all my life I had gotten ALL that I had worked hard for. The correlation(?) was always positive between hard work and favourable results. But NOT so this time around!

 I have discovered what it really means to be a leader, to lead and mentor other leaders. This has to do with my ministry in church and the fact that we meet once a month and the temperature and tone of the meeting is always cold and hostile YET the idea is that we all meet together and sharpen each other! We don’t and indeed shouldn’t have to pretend at all. Slowly I am reminded of what my initial call is and what I need to do and what my driving force really should be. This year I have done and tried so many things-some have backfired and others have gone quite well if I must say so myself! I put myself out there quite a bit and made friends with people who ordinarily I would NOT have given time of day! and the results have been lovely.

Most of all what i have learned and this i know for sure is that change is inevitable and that I must learn to deal with it all and take it all in my stride!

get lifted

A colleague gave me John Legend’s Album to listen to the other day and it just made me wonder! Its really nice  and it just made me wonder,is any of that stuff for real? That whole chick when I see you, I feel …. or what, do people really do that? Do they really feel that way about someone else? I have caught myself wondering how two people meet, fall in love and STAY that way? Isn’t that just the greatest mystery of all time- My folks have been together for 33 years and I just wonder at the resilience of that whole thing? How does that work? Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely loyal but to what end? This is why I don’t listen to R n B coz for me,it just isn’t about the beat BUT the words as well!

 Came across a couple of links that I thought of as mhh….. www.townhousegalleria.it this was a really novel hotel in Italy that I saw in Time Magazine. The rest didnt work so I just chucked them…

 on to unrelated matters, its my birthday in two months and for the first time I am running scared and really freaking out-I feel so I don’t know but its so not a nice feeling. The dread of the whole thing is tangible this time round- This is strange for me coz usually I am over the moon about the day, Anyway……

sand and blues

Im back at work now and what i learnt is that East or West my messy bedroom is definitely home. There is only so much of hotel food and the whole ambience that you can have in one week. On friday we had this really intense session that ended at 8 p.m. I was on the 9:30 bus back to Nairobi as I had to be in Town by 7 a.m. and the Lord is truly great as I was here at 6:30 and made it to my meeting in good time. I went home thereafter and had an hour nap and in the afternoon went off to run a couple of errands.

I dread going to Church these days as in between dreading what the service might be about or who might preach there is also the fact that you have to keep dodging the question are you ok and are things sawa and all that and its just overkill you know so there I am plotting my Jack Bauer moves when i do get there and i wonder, iz hau? Jana was no differenct but I had a lovely afternoon and i guess nothing lost there? I feel like speaking to our Youth Coordinator and asking him  if we have any funds left to do an end of year party or i was actually thinking more of cocktails and bitings but question is what bitings? and something really nice and all that?? Haven’t planned anything in yonks so can hardly wait.

I came across this really interesting blog that is entirely in french and i thought? Do I really speak French? Je ne comprends pas at this rate!

break time

Christmas comes early when your office organizes a trip to the Coast and you all HAVE to be there for a week-why after all do we say Mombasa Raha? its been meeting after meeting and still more meetings thereafter mpaka when i get to my room at night-its only sleep and nothing else. TOTAL bummer is all i can say. we break tomorrow and then i have to leave in the night as Saturday seven a.m. has to find me in Nairobi-without anything to say, had a chance to think a lot about stuff but nothing concrete yet so wait and see i guess.

matthew, weddings and wishes

Reading Matthew 8 last week I was able to appreciate the Power of God and the fact that HE is able to come through for me despite the size of the calamity and any elephants i may be facing. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I know that He is still there and He will neither leave me nor forsake me. NEVER will He and so I can confidently trust in that.

 I attended the most beautiful wedding on Saturday and it just left me feeling I don’t know what- I was up and down on my feet for most of the day but I didn’t even mind coz this was a dear friend after all. I am so happy for them, but yet again, it struck me just how unprepared I am for this marriage thing. I am so not even planning for the same for the next five years. Havent slept well since Thursday night and now its catching up with me. I am purely surviving on coffee and nought else. Slept over at a mansion this weekend and lets just say,

 Its a rainy Monday morning, the best kind I tell you-wish I was at home sleeping though. I wish I was curled up in bed reading the Maeve Binchy book I have with me. I wish I was twelve. I wish for so many things that unfortunately, will not pan out. I wish my sisters were all at home, I wish my mom would be at home when I get there. THIS would make my day.

of Burma, mugs and songs

A friend of mine bought me a new cup on Sunday just on a whim and I was reminded of my earlier whinge about my friends and how they don’t do things for me.

 I quite like this song. OK you must understand thatI rarely listen to R n B so for me to like this sond and go to this extent of placing it here,its deadly then. It does make me think though and thats not a good thing at all. Did I make a mistake and at what point did I know and should I just have walked away? Mhhh….

 The situation in Burma is a particularly pathetic one coz its a couple of ignorant juntas who having wealth and power at the expense of the citizenry and democracy are now out to maintain it at all costs. In the recent weeks we have been thronged with pictures of Buddhist monks matching down the streets of Rangoon and the brave Burmese ordinary folk standing guard around them. While the cases of malnourishment in children under the age of three continue to rise and the price of basic commodities continue to soar, the Generals are able to live lavishly. There are numerous sanctions that have been placed against the country but often this affect only the common guy who is already so harassed by the haves that one really wonders what is the place of these sanctions especially if not all the countries honour them and the common people are the only ones who are affected? Who ends up paying for these sanctions anyway?